Police Blotter

Hamptons Police Blotter: Igloo Rescue, McGumbus, Dagobah

Plunger Rescued
A Sag Harbor man, who was apparently uninformed that the annual HarborFrost Polar Bear Plunge had been called off this year, and had plunged into the icy waters at the scheduled time, was miraculously rescued from Peconic Bay after being spotted on an ice floe drifting out to sea. While the man was wearing only a bathing suit and beach shoes, he had somehow managed to build himself a crude igloo on the surface of the floe, presumably from smaller chunks of icy snow that were floating by. He had also collected a supply of driftwood, dried it out using the principle of sublimation, and then built a fire inside the igloo and roasted some fish. After reaching the man, rescuers say it took them several minutes to convince him to abandon the floe, which he had come to consider a pretty decent place to live.

McGumbus Ordered to Pay Back Millions
Old Man McGumbus, Shelter Island’s 104-year-old WWII veteran and dried meat tycoon, was this week ordered by a Nebraska court to pay back the $113 million he withdrew from the assets of Custom Jerkies of Nebraska, a boutique dried meat manufacturer he purchased in 2003. Stakeholders in Custom Jerkies, which entered bankruptcy immediately after McGumbus’s wholesale appropriation of its cash reserves in 2010, had sued McGumbus over what they described as “incredibly greedy actions that led to the ruin of a legitimate business, financial losses of millions of dollars and the loss of 300 jobs.” In a press conference following the court’s ruling, McGumbus said he was hurt by the accusations of greed. “People don’t understand business, so let me explain. As a result of my wise business decisions, I was able to build a 62,000-square-foot Shelter Island home for myself—it’s the castle that jerky built. I support Camp Spay-a Doe, a camp for boys where they can learn an honest trade. I employ 20 people just to do my laundry. Is it my fault that my emptying of Custom Jerkies’ bank account left the company unable to pay its bills?” McGumbus vowed to appeal the ruling.

Crash Landing
Officials in Dagobah have reported that an aircraft piloted by Luke Skywalker crashed into a remote swamp there. Initial reports suggest that neither Skywalker nor his trusty droid R2D2 were severely hurt in the crash. According to colleagues, Skywalker, while he hasn’t been flying for very long, is a natural at it—as he seems to be at everything he attempts—and they suspect that his craft might have suffered a mechanical problem. We await further word.

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