The Hamptons Subway

Hamptons Subway Newsletter: Week of April 10–16, 2015

Week of April 10–16, 2015
Riders this past week: 10,001
Rider miles this past week: 97,813

DOWN IN THE TUBE
Alan Alda was seen traveling from Bridgehampton to Water Mill carrying Kmart shopping bags last Friday afternoon. Jon Stewart was seen ordering a foot-long cheese taco from the Subway Restaurant kiosk on the Southampton platform on Thursday.

“UNDERSTANDING” REACHED
Negotiators for Hamptons Subway reached an understanding with negotiators for the Shelter Island Bridge and Tunnel Authority in Lausanne, Switzerland on Thursday. The dispute between these two operations has been simmering for more than 40 years, ever since the Shelter Island Bridge and Tunnel Authority took over, without permission from Hamptons Subway, the tunnel that connects Shelter Island with Sag Harbor. This tunnel, built by Hamptons Subway in 1931, but never used, was taken over by armed men in uniform with their insignias ripped off in 1983 when the Shelter Island Bridge and Tunnel Authority was created. In 2004 Hamptons Subway wanted to build a spur from Sag Harbor to Foxwoods in Connecticut, but were refused use of the the existing tunnel by the armed men, and so had to build a separate tunnel side by side with the old tunnel. Since that time, insults have been hurled back and forth through the two tunnels’ air-circulating system (which the two tunnels share), and sometimes things that smell bad have been dropped from one tunnel to the other.

According to Commissioner Aspinall, the “understanding” will end the abuse in the side-by-side tunnels for 10 years, with international monitors empowered to carry it out. Both sides also agree to continue talking in hopes of reaching a firm agreement by June. The Hamptons Subway board is in turmoil about the “understanding” and Commissioner Aspinall will have a great deal of explaining to do. In any case, at this moment, as both sides agreed when shaking hands with one another using their secret handshake, this is something that could lead to, for instance, milk and cookies.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY ALEX
Alex Grabowski, who teaches exercise class in the Hamptons Subway company gym, turns 28 years old this Saturday, and there will be a birthday party for him in the cafeteria on the fourth floor of the Hamptons Subway building in Hampton Bays. Chai tea will be served and a cake will be brought in, Alex will blow out the candles and then it will be taken away. If you bring a present, be sure you wrap it in biodegradable material.

DOORS THAT OPEN OUTWARD
The six new subway cars with doors that open outward have arrived and they will be put into service tomorrow as the third car from the front of every third subway train. The cars were ordered at the request of numerous subway riders who suffer from FSD, also known as Fear of Sliding Doors. Those who are frightened by doors that open out should consider this as a notification of where they will be. Management considered subway cars with doors that stay shut or doors that are stay open permanently, but rejected that.

COMMISSIONER ASPINALL’S MESSAGE
May is Cajun month on the Hamptons Subway. Beginning on May 1, all musical performers on the platforms will be required to play only Cajun music for that month. This celebration was orchestrated by our newly hired marketing and PR expert Hal Berkin. Many musicians are taking lessons in Cajun this month. Dress festive.

READ MORE HAMPTONS SUBWAY!

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