Police Blotter

Hamptons Police Blotter: Shark Suit, Twerking, No Votes

Imposter Shark Nabbed
Police tracking a shark off the shores of the Hamptons on Saturday were surprised to discover that they were in fact following a man swimming in a shark suit. The man, who police identified as Hans Haifisch of Dusseldorf, Germany, was dressed in a very convincing head-to-toe shark swimsuit that was equipped with one of the official tracking devices that marine scientists use to keep tabs on sharks. The tracker had pinged on Saturday morning, leading scientists to believe that a shark was infesting local swimming areas. Much commotion ensued across the East End as beaches were abruptly closed for fear of shark attacks—police reported panicked crowds stampeding at several popular beaches, resulting in numerous injuries. A visibly angry Larry Hirsch, official police spokesman, was highly critical of Haifisch’s actions in his briefing to reporters. “Mr. Haifisch may have thought he was being cute, but what he did was like shouting ‘fire’ in a crowded theater. We are holding him in custody while we determine something to charge him with.” Officials insisted that local waters are in fact safe, although they couldn’t be certain that Haifisch hadn’t received the tracking device he was wearing from another shark still at large.

No Twerking
It has long been true that certain East End villages require that people dress properly within village limits—shirts are mandatory, no bared calves, etc. This year, in time for the summer party season, several jurisdictions have passed additional restrictions on behavior relating to dancing. Starting on July 1 it will no longer be legal in these particular localities to twerk in any public space. For the purposes of the new ordinances, twerking is defined as when a couple dances front to back in “a lewd and lascivious manner,” and public spaces include, but are not limited to, nightclubs, bars, restaurants and shopping centers. Public streets and sidewalks are also off-limits. “If couples want to twerk, they can do so in the comfort of their own homes or hotel rooms,” explained Prudence Mayers, who advocated for the new regulations. “I don’t see the big deal anyway. Back in my day, we got pretty worked up about sharing ice-cream sodas.”

Voter Suppression
A woman was taken into custody on Tuesday, June 2 after she was found loitering around a local school. The woman claimed that she was there to vote in the local election, but authorities pointed out that there was no voting happening. The woman reportedly became agitated and claimed that her vote was being suppressed, and police took her in for observation.

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