The Hamptons Subway

Hamptons Subway Newsletter: Week of July 3–10, 2015

Week of July 3–10, 2015
Riders this past week: 24,888
Rider miles this past week: 137,080

DOWN IN THE TUBE
Dennis Basso, wearing a fox fur, was seen heading from Southampton to Shinnecock last Friday morning with Nicky Hilton. Sarah Jessica Parker was seen carrying fancy shopping bags on the Bridgehampton station platform waiting for a westbound train on Tuesday afternoon. Gary DePersia and Harald Grant were talking animatedly on the train from our new Sebonack stop to Southampton on Wednesday just after the Manhattan Media real estate luncheon.

ROGUE WEDDING
Two people got married on the Water Mill platform last Thursday at 2 p.m. and fled on the train westbound. Hamptons Subway police are searching for them because they didn’t have the required Hamptons Subway permit to hold such an event on the Subway. Weddings are permitted only during the week and only between 10 a.m. and noon because they can disrupt things. Of course, the entire subway system can be shut down for a whole day if the money is right. Once the subway shut down for three days the people were so important. Witnesses of this wedding gave conflicting accounts of the crime. One said it was a Caucasian man and a Hispanic woman married by a rabbi. Another said it was two African-American women married by a Hari Krishna. A third said the happy couple was two white Pomeranian puppies. If you see these perpetrators please report them to the authorities promptly so they can be ticketed.

CROWD PROBLEM SOLVED
This time of year, crowds often form on the subway platforms and then disperse as people board the trains. Usually this is a random occurrence, but last Thursday, the occurrences came in waves. It would first be on the Amagansett platform, then five minutes later on the East Hampton platform, then eight minutes later on the Bridgehampton platform. Looking into it, we discovered that the problem was caused by newly hired motorman, Billy Hattrack, who has a characteristic that was not detected during our hiring process. Six subway cars fill a station platform end-to-end. But Hattrack was consistently either overshooting or undershooting each station, so only three or four of his six cars could be loaded or unloaded. As a result, the crowds on the platforms piled up. We have added depth perception to our medical exam before hiring. It joins with our eye exam, reflex tests, hearing test, bone density studies, heart MRIs and mental acuity examinations to make the best ride for you possible. This won’t happen again. Hattrack was brought to our Hamptons Bays office, fired, and then tried to leave but instead walked out into a closet. Poor guy.

TRAINS GO FASTER? NO? YES?
Our new marketing director Ben Aflack hired the celebrated Montauk artist Kelly Van der Hoven to paint flames along the sides of the first subway cars so they would appear to go faster. Their speeds were held to the legal maximum between stations as always, but they did arrive a few seconds sooner, so had to remain at the stations longer. Nobody seems to be able to explain this.

COMMISSIONER ASPINALL’S MESSAGE
I hope you enjoyed the subway fireworks over the tracks at each station on the night of July 4. The different towns vie to have the biggest and best displays, but we, as we do every year, keep them all identical. The program shuts down our service from 9:30 p.m. of July Fourth (when darkness overtakes sunset) to 10:15 p.m. Bring thick blankets to sit on, as the platforms are cement. No folding chairs please. They get stuck in the turnstiles.

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