Hamptons Subway Newsletter: September 19–25, 2015

Donald Trump and Hamptons Subway Commissioner Aspinall don't share political leanings, but they seem to agree in the hair department
Donald Trump and Hamptons Subway Commissioner Aspinall don’t share political leanings, but they seem to agree in the hair department, Photo: sdigital, Hope Milam, Slaven Vlasic/iStock, Getty Images Entertainment/Thinkstock

Week of September 19–25, 2015
Riders this past week: 22,712
Rider miles this past week: 106,512

A group of well known men and women were seen on the subway Thursday morning at the Westhampton Beach stop, then at Noyac, then at East Hampton, apparently just going around and around on the system. The group, looking particularly shabby and run-down, included Billy Joel, Paul McCartney, Ron Delsener, Sting, Jon Bon Jovi, Elle McPherson, Bruce Springsteen, Jimmy Buffett, Roger Waters, John Mellencamp, Paul Simon and Subway Commissioner Bob Aspinall. When we asked Mr. Aspinall what was going on, he said they were four days out of the private party they attended at the Blue Parrot in East Hampton last Monday, and were still celebrating.

Monday morning the employees of Hamptons Subway woke up in shock to see that Chipotle Mexican Grill had opened food stands on all 14 subway platforms, directly opposite to the legally licensed Subway restaurant food stands that we all know and love so well. The Chipotle stands were put up without our knowledge on Sunday night. How they did it, we don’t know. But don’t buy anything at Chipotle. They have no license to sell food on the platforms. Also the food is messy (unlike the foot-longs) and cannot be brought onto the trains. Our subway police are issuing summonses daily.

Donald Trump has thrown his hat into the ring to challenge Bill Aspinall in the upcoming election for Subway Commissioner in November. Here are some of the highlights from their first debate:

TRUMP: I can’t believe you have been Commissioner all these years. Would anyone want to have you represent them with that face?

ASPINALL: Apparently, yes. If you were Commissioner, how would you keep your hair from blowing you away when a train comes into a station?

TRUMP: Is that a trick question?

MODERATOR: Mr. Trump, how will you keep the illegals from using the subway?

TRUMP: We issue them plastic “illegal” cards they have to pin to their T-shirts. We only let 100 of them use the subway during the first month, then every month the quota is lowered by 20. After five months, no more illegals on the subway. After that, they get the picture and back to Mexico they go.

ASPINALL: Do you really think changing the names of all the stops to TRUMP is a good idea?

TRUMP: I can’t believe you are so dumb. It will give the subway a uniformity it does not have now. And they will be in gold letters. And everybody knows the names of the stops by now. You’re fired, Aspinall.

MODERATOR: And how will you negotiate with the Motorman’s Union, Mr. Trump?

TRUMP: They won’t know what hit ’em. It’s time to take back Trump Subway!

Hamptons Subway gets hit with a lawsuit about four times a day. We settle them to get rid of their nuisance value at the going rate of $50 each. But this one yesterday takes the cake. A skateboarder has sued us for pain and suffering for hitting his head on the tunnel ceiling on the tracks between Bridgehampton and Water Mill while leaping up off a wooden skateboard ramp he had brought there at 2 a.m. The subway is closed for maintenance at 2 a.m. We aren’t going to pay him the $50. Indeed we are countersuing because his head hit a beam that holds up the entire tunnel and now it is cracked and about to give way. We will ruin this kid financially forever.

Vote for me.


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