Police Blotter

North Fork Police Report Shortage of Summer

It was disclosed this week that emergency responders from across the East End had been on high alert on a recent Saturday as the organizers of a North Fork food and wine event that promised a “taste of summer” found that they were in danger of running out of summer.

Fearing that any breakdown in the supply of summer could lead to unrest and rioting among the attendees at the event, who numbered in the thousands, the organizers informed officials of their dwindling reserves at around 8:30 p.m. on the evening of the event.

“We received a call from the site of the event detailing the situation,” North Fork Constabulary spokesman Larry Hirsch told reporters at a press gathering on Wednesday held to discuss the emergency mobilization. (Editor’s note: Mr. Hirsch’s cousin, Larry Hirsch, is the Hamptons Police spokesman.) “The fact is, they had a lot of summer left, but they also had a lot of happy, summer-loving people out there, and they started to worry—I mean, God forbid they should run out of it and all of a sudden you have over a thousand people turned loose and rampaging across the North Fork looking for more!”

The public and the press were not immediately alerted, explained Hirsch, because it was decided that to do so might cause unnecessary panic and an economic catastrophe.

“If a rumor had gotten out that summer was gone, then we would have seen an exodus, full stop,” Hirsch noted. “Think of the losses in ice cream alone!”

And, it turned out, initial worries were overblown, as ample reserve supplies of summer—in the form of chilled rosé wine in colorfully labeled bottles—were found on the site of the event and disaster was averted.

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