Police Blotter

Hamptons Police Warn of Halloween Gang Activity

The Hamptons Police Department has issued a blanket warning as Halloween festivities get underway. They are cautioning residents to steer clear of a particular band of marauders who are at large, and who may or may not appear locally over the Halloween weekend.

Authorities warn that the gang “poses the highest possible danger to health and safety.”

The following tips for identifying the members of the gang come from the official document issuing the warning.

The ringleader of this group always wears a terrifying orange wig—though he often partially covers this wig with a hideous red baseball cap. Superficially charming and obsessed with bragging about his accomplishments, he may offer to take your children for a ride in his helicopter. Do NOT allow this man near your teenage daughters. He’s known for his frequent use of fire.

Sometimes traveling together with this wretched character you will find a smug Texan with his dark hair slicked back to expose his vampire-like widow’s peak. He is likely to brag about his Ivy League pedigree. Do not be fooled: This man will steal your children’s UNICEF boxes so that he can give the money to his wealthy friends.

There is also a pathetic, stuttering figure, associated with the two previously described, whose chief identifying characteristic is that he is related to two former Presidents of the United States. He likes to spell his name with an exclamation point.

Local police are assuring residents that they will be on the lookout for the three miscreants, but are nonetheless urging caution.

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