Hamptons Subway Newsletter: October 9–15, 2015

Hamptons Subway has discovered a room with 2,345,678 tokens
Hamptons Subway has discovered a room with 2,345,678 tokens, Photo: Hemera Technologies/PhotoObjects.net/Thinkstock

Week of October 9–15, 2015
Riders this past week: 6,896
Rider miles this past week: 71,848

Louis C.K. was seen on the subway Monday afternoon heading from Sag Harbor to Bridgehampton carrying his Emmy Award. Bill Murray was seen on the subway Tuesday afternoon heading from Southampton to Shinnecock, carrying his Emmy award. Amy Schumer was seen heading from East Hampton to Wainscott Wednesday afternoon carrying her Emmy award.

We wish it were different, but in the event of severe flooding caused by a hurricane, do not go down onto any of the Hamptons Subway system platforms seeking shelter. Floodwaters seek to get as far down into the ground as soon as possible, and the best way for floodwaters to do that is to go down into sewers or down the stairs into the subway system. If you are already down on the platform when a flood warning is announced, walk rapidly and calmly—you don’t want to frighten anybody—over to the up escalator and to the street to just disperse throughout the community. If the escalator is not working, don’t worry—it functions, when broken, as stairs. So you can just walk up. You can even walk up the down escalator stairs when the electricity is out, and if you do head up and on the way you encounter people coming down turn them around and get them up to the street to disperse. Just tell them we said to do that.

An enormous cache of old subway tokens has been found behind a locked door in the basement of the Hamptons Subway building on Ponquogue Road in Hampton Bays. The tokens are worthless because Hamptons Subway stopped using them in 1995. The number of these tokens has been calculated to be 2,345,678 by calculating the cubic feet of the room, counting the number of subway tokens in one cubic foot and then multiplying that by the number of cubic feet in the room. It is going to be very costly to move these tokens because of their great weight (calculated at 2,734 tons by, well, blah blah) but because some people in Hamptons Bays have noted radiation spikes near our building and it is believed they come from the tokens, we have decided to have them dispersed into the community. Everyone buying a subway swipe card will therefore receive 10 of these old subway tokens to take home as souvenirs whether they like it or not. It is a public relations promotion thought up by our new marketing director Carl Alibaster, formerly the internet security director at the Federal Payroll Database office in Washington. We hope you enjoy them.

Hamptons Subway is part of the Hamptons International Film Festival (HIFF). Beginning today and going right through the weekend to Monday, we will be showing the movie Throw Mama from the Train on all 14 platforms. We have 14 movie screens, 14 projectors and 14 DVD’s of that film. If you use the subway frequently and get sick and tired of seeing it over and over again, then just avert your eyes. Look at your shoes.

What a party we had last night celebrating my victory over Donald Trump to re-affirm my employment as your subway commissioner for another two years. The party lasted until dawn. Coming to my oceanfront estate were Paul McCartney, the Koch brothers, Elle, Christie Brinkley, Sting, Paul Simon, Madonna, Jon Stewart, Alec Baldwin and Jerry Seinfeld. Sorry you weren’t invited but I am sure you can appreciate how much my wife and I deserved this party after all we have been through with the Trumpster.


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