Police Blotter

Hamptons Police Confiscate All Area Bacon

In the wake of recently announced findings establishing a strong link between the consumption of bacon and the risk of cancer, the Hamptons Police moved this week to remove bacon from all grocery stores on the South Fork.

“We’re taking a proactive approach,” Hamptons Police Department spokesman Larry Hirsch announced. “Given the known health risks that come from eating bacon—even small amounts of bacon—the department decided, in the interest of public safety, to impound all area bacon.”

Hirsch distributed an informational packet listing the kinds of products the department removed. Bacon items no longer available locally include standard sliced bacon, slab bacon, precooked bacon, bacon bits and premium, imported bacons, such as Italian pancetta and German speck. Of course, Canadian bacon has also been barred.

“We established a fairly broad definition for what qualifies as bacon,” Hirsch said, “so don’t be surprised if your favorite piece of salty pork fat, even if it doesn’t say ‘bacon’ on the package, is no longer in stock.”

Hirsch assured the public that the impounded bacon would be disposed of safely, and advised, “People are liable to be smelling some pretty appetizing bacon scents coming from police headquarters for the foreseeable future,” as police work to incinerate the estimated five tons of confiscated pork products currently held in evidence.

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