Police Blotter

Hamptons Police Enforce Home Fries Purity Law

In the second breakfast food-related incident this week, the Hamptons Police Department released a report showing a huge majority of East End restaurants and other food establishments are in chronic violation of the Home Fries Purity Law.

In summarizing the results of their undercover investigation into home fries, the department revealed a shocking conclusion—it may be impossible to get a decent plate of home fries on the East End.

From the report: “The Home Fries Purity Law was designed to ensure East Enders access to quality, tasty home fries. The law stipulates that home fries served in East End restaurants should consist principally of potatoes and onions, with green or red pepper not to exceed 5 percent of the content by volume. More importantly, the purity law mandates that the potatoes in home fries be crispy on the outside—not hard, not soft, not chewy, not soggy—but crispy.”

Apparently, undercover officers involved in the investigation sampled home fries across the East End, visiting most eateries twice, and were amazed to find that the Home Fries Purity Law is almost universally flouted. “If there’s a crispy home fry on the East End, we have yet to encounter it,” the report states.

Until further notice, all East End restaurants are on probation until they improve their compliance with the law.

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