The Hamptons Subway

Hamptons Subway Newsletter: Week of April 28–May 3, 2016

Week of April 28 – May 3, 2016
Riders this past week: 14,841
Rider miles this past week: 155,923

DOWN IN THE TUBE
Southampton architect Eric Woodward was on the Subway on Thursday with Ron Lauder headed toward Shinnecock Hills from Southampton. Dottie Herman was seen with Paul Brennan on the Subway on Tuesday heading from East Hampton to Amagansett. Ted Cruz was on the Subway all day Wednesday asking people not to vote for him, but instead to vote for John Kasich. Hamptons Subway personnel escorted him off in Quiogue for violating the subway’s “no begging” ordinance. Also, the primary was held the day before. “I’m in the wrong state,” he said when we let him off with a warning.

DELAY AT BRIDGEHAMPTON
At 3 p.m. on Friday, an eastbound train stopped at the Bridgehampton Station would not restart. All passengers disembarked successfully, but the train behind the disabled train, instead of shunting onto the express track to get around it, came too far past the shunt and stopped behind the disabled train. The procedure to follow when this happens (due to bad motorman reflexes) is for the train behind to back up far enough to get onto the shunt, but when the motorman put his train into reverse to do that, he found reverse gear broken. A train coming up behind this second train thus was asked to tie up to the second train and pull it backwards to the shunt. But his reverse was also broken. This catastrophe lasted all day until we sorted it all out. We regret the delay. So far, tests on all our trains show that all but three have broken reverse gears. Who is responsible for this?

ANOTHER PROBLEM
When the first train out of the Montauk Yards at 6 a.m. on Thursday got to its first stop at Amagansett, a German shepherd in the third car would not let anybody into that car. A count of the German shepherds patrolling the border fence at the Montauk Yards revealed they were one short. Attempts were made at each subsequent station to lure the German shepherd off by calling his name, but this did not work until Westhampton Beach, because there are 16 dogs at Montauk, all have different names, they operate in a pack, and if you call one, he takes the lead and you get all of them, so nobody has even known who was who. Different names were tried at each subsequent stop until finally, in Westhampton Beach, he answered to “Hess” and got off wagging his tail. Hess was named after Rudolf Hess, the famous Nazi official who parachuted down to Wembley, England to turn himself in during the Second World War.

BIRTHDAY PARTY
Help us celebrate the birthday of Bertha Hickenlooper, the former bookkeeper of Hamptons Subway next Monday at 3 p.m. in the company cafeteria. Bertha was caught stealing and was fired last year, but wanted to make amends by having her birthday with us and pay the cost. This was a fine gesture. And it’s her money, after all.

COMMISSIONER ASPINALL’S MESSAGE
To avoid having to pay outrageously high corporate American taxes, Hamptons Subway Inc., is being purchased by the Saltzputzl Ski Lift Gondola Manufacturing Company of Geneva, Switzerland. There are no taxes in Switzerland, Saltzputzl’s business is in decline because of the snowmelts on the slopes (another climate change trick) and so it’s a perfect match for both of us. Saltzputzl avoids bankruptcy, and we save taxes and get to learn a lot about transportation from Hans Saltzputzl IV, whose great grandfather founded the firm in 1886. I will be reporting directly to him.

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