The Hamptons Subway

Hamptons Subway Newsletter: Week of May 20–26, 2016

Week of May 20–26, 2016
Riders this past week: 15,814
Rider miles this past week: 133,912

DOWN IN THE TUBE
Jennifer Lopez was seen getting off at the Water Mill Station from a train that was heading east from Southampton on Monday. Julianne Moore was seen on the train heading from Bridgehampton to Sag Harbor on Tuesday afternoon. Julian Schnabel was seen wrestling a canvas onto the train at the Springs Station Thursday headed downtown to East Hampton. This was a glittering display of celebrities on the subway this week. And this was just the “Js,” Hamptonites all.

TRANSGENDER EXPERIMENT NIXED
Our new marketing director, Harry Aames, as his first publicity effort, surprised the rest of the staff and most importantly Commissioner Aspinall by ordering up a special subway car for transgender people only on the first subway train of the day on Monday. It was placed in the middle of that six-car train (of course) and had pink and blue seats and interior metalwork. According to those at the various stations, the car had a sign on the door saying it was just for transgender people but, in fact, nobody ever saw anybody use it. Apparently transgender people know what gender they are and didn’t cooperate. The car was pulled back out of service by order of the Commissioner about 11 a.m. after its first go around of the system, and the Commissioner then called Mr. Aames into his office and said he was cutting back and Mr. Aames, as the last in, would be the first out. No sense hurting Mr. Aames’s feelings. We are sure he meant well.

AN AMAZING DAY
A huge collision was averted in a subway tunnel last Wednesday at 4 p.m. Also averted was a possible subway-system-wide paralysis for the rest of the day. All this was done by the smart actions of the passengers onboard two separate subway trains.

Due to a flagman error, an eastbound train headed from East Hampton to Amagansett came screeching to a halt halfway there, thus avoiding a collision with a westbound train headed from Amagansett to East Hampton that had also screeched to a halt coming from the other way. In error, the flagman had moved both trains to the same track. But then, what to do? In the darkness of the tunnel, the passengers on the westbound train demanded the eastbound train move over, which it could not do, and those on the eastbound train demanded the reverse. After 20 minutes with that not happening, the passengers on both these trains took matters into their own hands, disembarked onto the cement walkway that runs on one side along the length of the tunnel and, passing one another on that narrow passageway, went to the other train. Inside each, the passengers dragged each of their motormen from the other train to the far end of the unfamiliar subway train and inside the unfamiliar motorman’s booth, forced them to take the controls of the subway train from there (all trains are double enders) so both trains could go back to where they came from but with the passengers needing to get where they wanted to go onboard a train that would take them there. At first, Mr. Aspinall was outraged at this act of defiance, but then he thought it over and realized the passengers had unwittingly solved the entire problem and there would be no system-wide shutdown.

COMMISSIONER ASPINALL’S MESSAGE
I’m having gold lapel pins made for the passengers on these two trains. The pins say HSH—which means Hamptons Subway Hero. All these passengers have to do to get one is to come down to our Hampton Bays building and identify themselves.

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