Regular followers of Danspapers.com are used to seeing the daily Hamptons Surf Report. And there is nothing the matter with that. However, it has come to my attention that numerous outsiders, after reading the report, have now made their way to the Hamptons and are posing as local surfers, in hopes of picking up “hot local chicks.”
We all know that surfers are really cool dudes. They have a following of women that appreciate their dedication and commitment to the sport. And let’s not forget that surfing is also very dangerous.
These daredevils who paddle out and shred the waves are nothing less than heroes in the eyes of many sexy and appreciative lady followers.
But when imposters use the internet to learn words that relate to surfing and then use those words, and knowledge of the waves, tides and water temperature to hit on our “hot local chicks,” I get really steamed.
Hypothetically, if someone wants to pretend to be immersed in the surfing culture, they would only need to know some of the following terms:
Aerial: A surf maneuver where a surfer hits the crest of the wave and flies through the air
A-frame: A wave peak breaking left and right with perfect shape
Backside: When a surfer rides with his back to the wave
Barrel: The tube or curl of a wave
Drop: The moment after paddling in and standing up, just before the turn of the wave face
Localism: An aggressive territorial protection of a surf spot by local surfers
Longboard: The longest surfboard
Punt: To perform an aerial maneuver
Rip: To surf very well
Wave Period: The time between two consecutive waves
So I am reaching out to all the females of the East End and imploring them to check the validity of any self-proclaimed “surfers.” And don’t just believe they’re the real thing just because you might meet them at local surf shop, like Sunrise to Sunset, Main Beach Surf + Sport or Flying Point Surf & Skate.
Actually, there is a simple test that can be administered to check the validity of any surfer dude’s credentials—before the love begins, take them to the beach see if they have the goods.
This should separate the legitimate *old carps and shredders from the *kooks and *donkey impersonators. You will know if they are the real deal in a very short period of time.
And congrats to those *local surfers who truly can ride the waves.
*Old Carp: Old-school surfers who still charge waves
*Kook: A novice surfer or someone who surfs because it makes him or her look cool. A person who drops in on other surfers, ignores lineups and other respected rules.
*Donkey: A really kooky kook
*Local Surfers: My lady-loving idols!