The Hamptons Subway

Hamptons Subway Newsletter: Week of June 24–30, 2016

Week of June 24–30, 2016
Riders this past week: 24,912
Rider miles this past week: 150,100

DOWN IN THE TUBE
Dava Sobel, the author of Longitude, was seen on Thursday riding the subway from East Hampton to Springs. Dick Cavett of Montauk was seen riding the subway between Southampton and Shinnecock on Thursday at noon. What was he doing so far to the west? Former mayor Mike Bloomberg was seen riding the subway with Southampton Town Supervisor Jay Schneiderman between Tuckahoe and Shinnecock on Wednesday.

SUBWAY ID CARDS OFFERED
People who ride the Hamptons Subway can get an ID card signed by Commissioner Aspinall attesting to the fact that the bearer is a citizen in good standing of the Hamptons Subway Republic. Applicants must provide a passport-sized photo, $50 in cash, proof of any jail time completed without incident and be willing to be fingerprinted and able to sign their own name.

PUSHERS ARRIVE
The young college age summer employees who push the crowds of straphangers on the platforms into the subway cars when the trains pull in arrived this week for a two-week training period before the Fourth of July weekend when they go to work. As we have done in the past, we have a boxing competition (with headgear and gloves) where the 25 new employees compete in three different weight classes. This year, with all the new categories of gender we decided to just have a light, middle and heavyweight competition where everyone was welcome to enter against one another regardless of sex. In the lightweight final, Sheila Aggison knocked out Henry Biddlesworth in the first round, in the middleweight division final, Heather Reese beat Roscoe McDowell when the referee declared a TKO to protect McDowell from a further beating and in the heavyweight division the winner was Alice Blatters who delivered a one-punch knockout in the opening seconds of the first round against Buster “Hells Angels” Krooks. Congratulations to all who competed.

WILDLIFE ATTACK
When a break appeared in the subway tunnel wall just to the east of the Bridgehampton subway platform, snakes slithered through and came up the escalators, a woodpecker began tapping on the inside of the tunnel wall and a team of beavers built a dam across the tracks. The Wildlife Rescue Service came and released the creatures back into the wild. The service was shut down for only an hour and a half and we apologize for that.

COMMISSIONER ASPINALL’S MESSAGE
The High Season begins and we want to remind everyone who uses the subway, whether a Bonacker, a hedge funder, a chef or an illegal immigrant, to be careful and polite to others, even if you suspect they might be unlike yourself.

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