The Hamptons Subway

Hamptons Subway Newsletter: Week of August 6–11, 2016

Week of August 6–11, 2016
Riders this past week: 24,812
Rider miles this past week: 183,411

DOWN IN THE TUBE
Beth Ostrosky Stern, with a really cute little white puppy, was seen going from Southampton to Hampton Bays at 5 p.m. last Thursday. The pup sometimes happily licked her wrist. Katie Lee was seen riding the subway between East Hampton and Amagansett carrying a Linzer torte in a paper bag on Wednesday at 10 a.m. Alec Baldwin was seen on the subway between Sag Harbor and Bridgehampton last Monday evening, reading a book on the Bradley Method.

BE CAREFUL AT TURNSTILES
This year has been a boom year for the Hamptons Subway, with ridership going up and up. And now the new turnstiles have arrived and installation will finish on Thursday throughout the system. The old turnstiles were five in a row. The new ones, occupying the same space, are seven in a row. They move you through faster. Be careful at the turnstiles. Swipe your card, then go through sideways.

I AM MATT LAUER
Our new marketing director Edgar Poe, fresh from that job at the Taj Mahal in Atlantic City, has been fired after his first public relations program. His idea was to give free swipe cards to all Hamptons celebrities. Three hundred and twenty of them were identified, and chauffeured limos were sent out with their stack of personalized subway cards, good forever. We love our celebrities. Apparently Matt Lauer would have none of it, and just gave them all away. People wearing T-shirts reading I AM MATT LAUER showed up at the turnstiles, and they had to be let through when they showed the card. Edgar Poe has taken a job as Official Poet of the City of Baltimore and we wish him well. A small, brooding, dour fellow with a few tattoos on his skinny arms is what he was.

OLD FARTS
A group of men wearing blue T-shirts entirely occupied one subway car, playing chess, smoking and talking for an entire morning as it went around its circuit last week between Westhampton and Montauk Point last Wednesday. Subway security asked them to move along, that others needed the car, and so they got off at the Hampton Bays station, grumbling. Their shirts read OLD FARTS.

NEW FAD
Playing Pokémon Go in the subway system was banned last week after two teenagers leaped onto the tracks to get whatever they get at two different locations last Friday, leaving just before a train came through. This unnerved both subway employees and passengers. Now there is a new fad. Kids leap onto the tracks and put nickels on the track just as a train comes through, leap back up then go back down again when the train passes to pick up what are now quarters. It’s happening everywhere on the system since last Monday and as soon as we find out what it’s called we are going to ban it. UPDATE: We just found out. Its called “Making Money.” Making Money is now banned everywhere on the system, just as Pokémon Go is banned. Do not play either game on the platforms. Really bad idea. Big financial penalties if caught, maybe death.

COMMISSIONER ASPINALL’S MESSAGE
After the Hamptons Subway Board of Directors refused to pass the new law I proposed that would ban Syrians on the Hamptons Subway, I flexed my muscles, dissolved the Board, as is my right as Commissioner of the Hamptons Subway, and then declared a State of Emergency to push the proposal through.

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