Hamptons Police Say Missing Suspects Probably Not Raptured

hamptons police rapture
Photo: LISA F. YOUNG/iStock, Oliver Peterson

The Hamptons Police Department has reported a recent spike in the number of suspects who have skipped bail and failed to show up for court dates. According to police spokesman Larry Hirsch, the common explanation that the suspects in question have been raptured seems implausible.

“Normally, we expect a 20 percent rapture rate,” Hirsch says. “That is, in a given year, 20 percent of suspects out on bail will be taken directly into Heaven without the intervening step of dying. “But this year, we’ve seen a full 35 percent of our suspects disappear without a trace,” he continues, adding, “We’re starting to think that perhaps not all of them have been raptured—that maybe some of them have ‘taken it on the lam.’”

Hirsch says that the Hampton Police are considering whether to take up a serious investigation of the missing suspects. Meanwhile, the spokesman said he’s looking into First Thessalonians and and its relationship to passages from Second Thessalonians, the Gospel of Matthew, First Corinthians and the Book of Revelation.

“None of these texts are standard police issue, especially since we were forced to remove the 10 Commandments from our front lawn,” Hirsch says. “And none of them mention anything about bail jumpers, but it’s possible they could shed some light on the subject by answering a few burning questions, like why am I still here?”

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