Police Blotter

Santa Defeats Krampus in Wild Sagaponack Battle

Christmas Eve was anything but a silent night in the Hamptons.

The few Hamptons Police Department officers on duty last night were called to a large plot of farmland in Sagaponack after area residents reported sounds of explosions, “roaring,” and, finally, bellows of “ho, ho, ho” laughter.

Upon arrival, police found a cheering crowd surrounding the unconscious body of the horrific Christmastime demon-goat monster Krampus. According to witnesses, Krampus had been creeping around several local homes with aims to terrorize some of the Hamptons’ most ill-behaved children.

Thankfully, the always magnanimous Santa Claus was nearby delivering gifts to good children next door, and he decided to stop his old nemesis before things got out of hand.

“We’re done with the old ways, Krampus,” Santa shouted as he swept in on his sleigh, clotheslining the creature as he crossed a farm field between two homes. “Coal is enough—terror has no place in the new world!” he shouted as Krampus fell. Santa then landed his sleigh in a quick, skidding turn, leaped out over the side and ran toward his foe, witnesses say. The portly legend moved so quickly he was a flash of red and white, but Krampus retaliated, pulling Santa’s ankle and taking him down to the ground with him.

The two icons struggled in the dirt, kicking up dust and debris while they wrestled. And for a moment, Krampus got the upper hand. The demon freed himself and fired a magical missile at Santa, who dove out of the way. The arcane projectile exploded nearby, but no one was harmed.

“The sound of that explosion was deafening,” a resident said.

Santa answered the attack with a swift uppercut and took Krampus down in a heap of fire and brimstone. At this point, approaching police sirens could be heard, so the jolly old elf laughed, put up a two-finger peace sign and returned to his reindeer-driven sleigh.

By the time police arrived, Santa’s sleigh was no more than a blip of light in the distant night sky.

Police took Krampus into custody, but the monster had vanished by first light on Christmas morning. He remains wanted for questioning.

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