Police Blotter

Hamptons Police Seek Crimes During Winter Lull

The Hamptons Police Department announced this week that it is urgently requesting information from local citizens about any potential crimes that they might witness.

“It’s the slow season for us, too,” Hamptons Police spokesman Larry Hirsch says. “We’ve got a bunch of officers sitting around the headquarters with a lot of time on their hands.”

Hirsch notes the problem is being felt most acutely in Montauk, where the police added several new units to deal with the high crime experienced during the summer months. Now those Montauk units are experiencing severe under-utilization due to Montauk’s trademark winter lull.

“Last winter, they at least had some action arresting protestors down on the beach. Now we’re asking the public to please call and give these guys a job.”

Hirsch adds that, as an alternative, citizens might do the police a favor and commit punishable offenses to help give the officers something to do. “If you tell the officer who apprehends you that you’re doing it to get them busy, I think we can go pretty easy on you.”

The Department is also asking the public for donations of jigsaw puzzles for the bored police officers. “You can only play solitaire so many times before you get really sick of it. A tricky jigsaw puzzle can take several days to complete,” Hirsch says while emphasizing that assigning time-wasting activities to police, while fine in a pinch, is no substitute for having good, solid crimes to fight—and that the public could be crucial in providing them.

“My mother always said that idle hands are the Devil’s playground. Well, right now we’ve got a lot of idle hands around here and the Devil’s probably not too far off. Help us!”

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