Police Blotter

Hamptons Police Review ‘Alternative Cases’

On the heels of last week’s announcement by Hamptons Police Department’s need for activities for their idle officers during these slow months on the East End comes the unveiling of a new initiative, originated by the police themselves, intended to alleviate the problem. Called “Alternative Cases,” the initiative involves the top brass in the department inventing cases out of thin air and then assigning units to work on them, as if they were real.

Hamptons Police Department spokesman Larry Hirsch explained the process during a recent press conference. “Okay, so say there’s a Montauk unit that’s just sitting around twiddling their thumbs. Instead of just letting these guys sit around and get fat eating donuts, the sergeant can go to the Alternative Case file and send the cops off to investigate something completely fictitious.”

Asked for an illustration of the type of invented cases that might be found in the Alternative Case file, Hirsch cited some recent examples.

“Just the other day we sent a group of officers down to investigate differing reports of crowd sizes at a high school basketball game. There weren’t any differing reports, and certainly no controversy, but the police were staying busy and keeping their investigative chops up while looking into it. We also had them investigate invented incidents of large-scale voter fraud pertaining to student council elections in local middle schools. It was all a complete fabrication, but they gained valuable experience checking into it. Most importantly, they weren’t just sitting around headquarters waiting for the phone to ring.”

So far, according to Hirsch, the Hamptons Police has completed seven investigations from the Alternative Case file, and that’s just in the first week.

“This program is already a resounding success. Now all we ask of the public is to play along a little—use your imagination. If a Hamptons Police officer approaches you to question you about a car accident that didn’t actually happen or something like that, don’t immediately conclude that he’s off his rocker. Give him some sort of plausible account of what he’s asking about—remember, we’re just trying to keep these guys from getting rusty over the winter. Thanks.”

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