Police Blotter

Offshore Mystery Solved: Hamptons Police Surveillance Platform Revealed

Last week, after several people expressed alarm after they saw a mystery vessel floating off the shores of Southampton, local officials called upon the Hamptons Police to investigate. Officers who responded to the scene were at first mystified by the vessel, which looks like a species of offshore oil-drilling installation supported by three legs.

Several police helicopters were sent out to perform reconnaissance on the vessel, bringing back frightening reports of crane-like devices on board the vessel, as well as large mechanical arms capable of reaching into the water and pulling smaller vessels out of the ocean.

“We were honestly starting to think that we were witnessing the beginning of some kind of invasion,” said Officer Bill Cody, one of several Hamptons Police officers involved in the initial investigation. “In fact, I was about to alert the armed forces—and then I got the call from Chief. It was pretty close.”

Cody is referring to a call he received from the Chief of the Hamptons Police, informing him that the mystery vessel was in fact a top secret Hamptons Police project that was being deployed for the first time.

“We had wanted to keep our Offshore Surveillance and Intercept Platform (OSIP) a secret for a little while longer,” explained Hamptons Police spokesman Larry Hirsch, “but it got spotted, so the cat’s out of the bag now.”

According to Hirsch, the existence of the OSIP was only known to a very few of the Hamptons Police’s highest-level officers.

“The regular guys on the force were just as clueless as the general public on this.” However, now that the general public knows about the OSIP, says Hirsch, it’s permissible to explain what it will be used for. “As you know, our Hamptons Police submarine has been useful over the past two summers for enforcing rules that pertain to the ocean—noise levels on party boats, speed limits, etc. Now, with the help of the OSIP, we will be able to immediately respond to problem boats and, using the cranes and mechanical arms aboard the OSIP, physically lift these boats from the water—along with anyone aboard the boats—and place them in custody aboard the OSIP. This will greatly enhance our ability to keep the waters safe and peaceful for our citizens and visitors. In fact, if we get reports of bad behavior by any one individual on a boat, with our mechanical arm we can easily, physically remove just that one bad actor from a boat and let the rest of the party go on their merry way.” Hirsch says the OSIP will be fully deployed this summer.

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