Alert! Earth Is the Planet We’ve Been Warning You About

Telescope space
“If you want to make an apple pie from scratch, you must first create the universe.” —Carl Sagan, Photo: iStock

Scientists are jubilant at having discovered seven planets circling a sun in a solar system only 40 light years away from Earth.

At least three of the planets have balmy temperatures similar to those on earth and so could support life as we know it. They circle a sun much smaller than ours, which gives off a much dimmer light. But the planets are so much closer to their sun than we are to ours that the warmth on their planets equals ours. Scientists say if you stood on any of the three “Goldilocks” planets, you’d see a lovely salmon-colored sun in the sky 10 times bigger than ours. And it would just hang there.

This is because, unlike our planets, these planets are locked in by their sun’s gravitation. They don’t spin. In orbit, one side always faces their sun, the other side always faces the other way. However, with most of the warmth given off by their sun coming as infrared light, the difference in temperature on each side would not be that much different. As for orbits, all seven of these planets circle their sun very quickly, once around every 4 to 10 days. And as they are quite near one another, they will sometimes appear, moon-sized, moving along through the sky of one of the others.

Scientists on earth now believe that telescopes will soon be able to determine if air, oceans and mountains exist on these planets.


Please be advised that we have this day intercepted an internal message from the lead species on the planet that calls itself “Earth” in Solar System 412412633. The message announces they have just discovered us.

This is the planet we have been warning you about.

We have long known that “Earth” is teeming with life. Nearly all of it gets along day by day by eating others, which, of course, is simply awful. As for their lead species, they laud their superiority over the others. They entrap and display others in “zoos,” then complain about “endangered species.” They fight among themselves. They kill one another and steal from one another. In recent times, they have threatened to blow each other up.

Meanwhile, they throw so much garbage into the oceans, there are great islands of crap floating in them. They pump so much smog and black carbon dust into their atmosphere we’ve calculated they will soon have difficulty keeping life alive there. And though they know they are doing this, they aren’t doing anything about it. Instead, they talk a lot about finding another planet. Start fresh. If they find one and get there, they will kill or enslave everybody on it and exploit the planet’s natural resources.

As for their “Earth,” it’s really no prize. It was pretty, long ago. But now, it’s all shopping malls and parking lots with everyone going hither and yon. Meanwhile, the planet’s spin is so fast, it’s light for a few hours and dark the next few, then it is hot one day and freezing the next. As a result, the creatures are so stressed, many sleep 10 hours a day.

And there’s more. “Earth” orbits around a sun so blinding, nobody can look right at it. It’s so harsh, its rays burn the skin. Also, the seas slosh around, high tide for an hour, low tide at other times. Totally unlike our “steady as she goes” planets. And the planet wobbles on what is in fact a drunken elliptical orbit. It’s also slowing down.

As for the solar system in which it resides, it’s no help. “Earth” is the only habitable planet. The others are just dead rocks, either boiling over or freezing over and they are all so far apart, they appear on the horizon at “night” as just dots. “Earth” does have a moon, but it’s barren. As a result, the lead species on “Earth” feels cold and lonely and is desperate to find life on another planet.

We must not make contact with this planet. If you feel they are trying to make contact with you, ignore them. Best thing would be to amble into the caves, keep quiet and just don’t come out for a few hundred years, until they go away.

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