The Hamptons Subway

Hamptons Subway Newsletter: Week of April 14–20, 2017

Week of April 14–20, 2017
Riders this past week: 17,324
Rider miles this past week: 95,812

DOWN IN THE TUBE
Martha Stewart was seen hopping off the subway at the Georgica stop bearing armfuls of beautiful yellow gladiolas. The Georgica station concierge put them in one of that station’s beautiful Chinese vases and helped her up the escalator to the street to her waiting Uber.

THE GEORGICA STATION
Needless to say, the Georgica Station, finished just two years ago as a summer station, is now open for the season. It is completely different from all our other stations. For one thing there is a string quartet. There’s a fully stocked bar. The escalators to the street operate at only two-thirds the speed of escalators on other platforms (as the result of a vote by the Georgica Stable and Chauffer Association which assists Hamptons Subway and funds the luxuries at the station.) There’s a small spa with massage and a trainer, a lovely art gallery and a fountain. New this year is the Botswana mahogany wall paneling, made to complement the brass fittings and black marble that grace the rest of the station. Also new are the beautiful seashell and beach rock chandeliers designed by the late Alfonso Ossorio. As usual, all persons getting off at the stop have to sign in and be announced. And of course you will need to activate the sliding doors of your subway car with the membership swipe card provided you to get on and off. Otherwise, the train just sits there and waits for 20 seconds and then leaves.

SPRING CLEANING
Hamptons Subway will be closed all day on April 23 for spring cleaning. All the platforms, booths and tunnels will be fumigated, sprayed for fungus removal, vacuumed for sand and debris, buffed down with grease solvent to get rid of the sticky stuff, sprayed by pest control people, hosed to remove graffiti, sponged with bacterial soap, then given a good scrub by teams of washers. When that dries, there will be touch-up painting, a blow dry and hot towel application with sliced cucumbers, the last step is a vigorous feather-dusting. The system reopens on April 24 for 6 a.m. rush hour.

TROUBLING DEVELOPMENT
A new order from the Environmental Protection Administration (EPA), now charged with maximizing the use of the environment to ensure continued success for big business, might be dealing Hamptons Subway a fatal blow. The new order declares that the entire earth from six feet six inches underground and below within the borders of the United States is seized and now government property to be exploited for minerals, ore, vitamins and stone, shale, oil and gas. Since six feet six inches underground is merely halfway down the escalator to the platforms below, it is entirely possible, if this goes to the Supreme Court and gets approved, that our beautiful old Hamptons Subway System, a private venture, might have to go. When we asked the EPA about the order, they said the six-foot-six amount was to allow for dead people in the past, present or future to be buried six feet under and that was about as far into a compromise they are willing to go. Write your Congressman!

COMMISSIONER ASPINALL’S MESSAGE
In the event that another Supreme Court Justice dies and the President is intending to appoint another conservative, I, as a friend of Mr. Trump and also a conservative, will offer myself up as the next nominee for the purpose of saving my subway system and all those other ones around the nation. It should not just be dead people who are given an accommodation.

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