Dan Rattiner's Stories

More Trump Tapes: Yes, They Exist and We Have Them Here at Dan’s Papers

The Trump Tapes continue…

May 15, 3:42 p.m.
– So here we are, 100 days. You’ve completed 100 days as President of the United States.

– I’m just getting started, Steve.

– Ha ha ha.

– But there’s one thing I don’t understand.

– What is that?

– The Supreme Court. It’s been 100 days. And nobody new has died.

– Died?

– You’d think that with 100 days gone by, one of them might die. Even two. They’re all old. They know the score. They need to get with the program.

– I’m sure some of them will.

– Well, what’s holding them up? I need to leave my mark. They need to hurry up and die. Maybe there’s some way we can help them along.

– You mean the liberal ones.

– Of course. They are the enemy.

– Your friend Vladimir. What he does with the enemy is poison them. If you did that…

– I’m not saying I would do that.

– If you would do that, it would help them along.

– It most certainly would. Look. I’m not going to call Vladimir. If you want to call Vladimir, I don’t want to know anything about it.

– How would he even know which ones were the liberals and which ones were the conservatives?

– Somebody could tell him. Draw him a picture. Show him how they vote. Translate their names into Russian. But like I said, I wouldn’t want to know anything about it. So don’t do it. And don’t tell me. Just tell me when its over.

– So are you giving me an order?

– No, I said, dammit, I’m not going to do this. What are you, crazy?

May 22, 11:45 a.m.
– You guys are supposed to tell me these things!!

– Stop yelling, sir.

– How the hell am I supposed to know that the FBI does whatever it wants! It reports to the President, does it not?

– The director does, sir.

– Then why, when I tell them what they are supposed to do, do they not do it? I told them to stop this witch hunt with the Russians. I told Comey. I told him three times. How dare these people disobey me?

– Stop pacing around, sir.

– General, I’ll pace around if I want. There’s no law against that, is there?

– No sir.

– And these top secrets that I shared with the Russians—how am I supposed to know that there’s a law against that?

– It’s not a law, sir. It’s procedure. You tell the Russians, the Russians tell the Syrians, the Syrians bomb the Israelis. It’s a procedure that saves lives.

– It makes perfect sense. But why don’t you tell me these things before I do them?

– I think you were told, sir.

– Bull crap!! And these judges? These so-called judges. I can’t criticize them? I can’t suggest they be taken down?

– It’s in the Constitution. It’s the checks and balances of the three branches of government.

– I’m a businessman. I know checks and balances.

– Yes you do, sir. But this is history. Surely you know our history.

– Bull crap.

– Who was the first President of the United States?

– Are you making fun of me? Get out! All of you!

(Sound of chairs moving back, slamming of doors. A telephone is picked up.)

– Get me the band. I don’t care. The Marine band. Whatever. You the head of the band? I want to know, how do I get you to stop playing “Hail to the Chief?” I hear it 20 times a day. Dum da da Dum da da dum de dum de dum dum. Every time I come into a room. I’m sick of it. I don’t want to hear it anymore. “Anchors Aweigh?” I don’t want to hear “Anchors Aweigh” anymore, either! Don’t you get it?

(Sound of telephone being slammed down)

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