High-End Dung Merchant Steps Into Hamptons Police Manure Inquiry

Andrew Mist, president of Andy’s Artisanal Dungs of Quogue
Andrew Mist, president of Andy’s Artisanal Dungs of Quogue, Photo: Hana Tipplová, Kichigin Aleksandr/123RF

As if the Hamptons Police Department didn’t already have their hands full following up on the many suspicious packages full of horse manure showing up on the doorsteps of Trump Administration members living locally—this week they received a call from a local high-end manure supplier who suspects that the packages may contain his stock.

According to Hamptons Police spokesman Larry Hirsch, officers responded to a report of missing manure from Andrew Mist, president of Andy’s Artisanal Dungs of Quogue. At a recent press conference, Hirsch offered updates on the continuing inquiry.

“Mr. Mist believes his manure warehouse was broken into on several occasions, and that his stock of manure was depleted significantly over the course of the last month. While we are investigating his claims, I will note that Mr. Mist does not have a video surveillance system at his business and therefore it might be extremely difficult to ascertain when and/or if any break-in or theft occurred.”

Hirsch noted that Mist says he can prove the manure found in the mysterious packages came from his supplies, basing his claim on the superior quality of the “product” found in the packages. However, Hirsch said, police are treating this contention with a high degree of skepticism.

“Look, Mr. Mist can try to sell his gullible wealthy customers on the notion that his horse pucky is of a higher caliber than your run-of-the-mill turd, but he’s nuts if he thinks that the Hamptons PD is going to fall for that!”

In fact, according to Hirsch, there’s a growing suspicion among officers leading the investigation that the packages of manure may have been planted by Mist himself, or perhaps by a confederate, in an effort to gain publicity for Mist’s struggling high-end dung business.

“To coin a phrase, something about his story doesn’t smell right. Let’s just say that Mr. Mist is being treated as a person of interest at this time,” Hirsch said.

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