The Hamptons Subway

Hamptons Subway Newsletter: Week of April 19–25, 2018

Week of April 19–25, 2018
Riders this past week: 16,443
Rider miles this past week: 99,977

DOWN IN THE TUBE
Author Ron Chernow was seen aboard a Hamptons Subway car at the Sag Harbor station last Wednesday heading for East Hampton. He was carrying a book about President Martin Van Buren, one of the few Presidents about whom he has not written a biography. Is Marty in our future? Author Roger Rosenblatt was seen boarding a subway at Southampton heading toward Water Mill. Also boarding was JLo.

COMMISSIONER ASPINALL ATTACKED
A former Assistant Commissioner of the Hamptons Subway, Thomas O’Dell, has written a tell-all book about the man who fired him, his former boss Commissioner Bill Aspinall, who remains commissioner today. According to O’Dell’s tell-all, during the time he was Assistant Commissioner, he accompanied Aspinall to Fiji on what was supposed to be a trip to see if those people wanted help in having a subway there, and instead, Aspinall brought two prostitutes to his room at the Hilton Hotel and watched as they engaged in arm wrestling. Aspinall paid for the prostitutes with Subway money, listing them on his expense account as “advisors.”

SOUTHHAMPTON?
The Southampton Subway Stop is to be re-named the “Southhampton.” The name change is deliberate, thought up by Hamptons Subway’s new marketing director Adrianne Wallace, who comes to us from the law office of Michael Cohen in Manhattan, where she worked as public relations director for the last year. According to Ms. Wallace, a great deal of publicity will be coming the Subway’s way as the media tries to either make fun of, talk about the historic antecedents of, or discuss the meaning of this misspelling. The resulting fame could spread Hamptons Subway’s existence far and wide. If this works, she says, she will rename some of the other stops. Could Hampton Buoy be next?

SUBWAY DELAYS
Hamptons Subway still operates its stop-and-go transmission system the old fashioned way, by stationing flagmen in the tunnels who wave either red, orange or green flags at the arriving trains. On Friday morning, it was discovered that all the orange flags had been taken away during the night, leaving the flagmen with no ability to tell the motormen to “go-slow.” Commissioner Aspinall halted service for two hours system wide at 1 p.m. that day to decide how to deal with this—the orange flags have still not been returned—and service resumed at 3:30 p.m. with the flagmen instructed to make a “palms down wiggling motion” at the approaching trains to caution them to throttle down and that is how the trains are running today. There’s talk of doing away with the flags entirely and just having the flagmen stand at their stations and wave trains through or hold up a palm (which means stop). More later.

ON TIME THURSDAY
The results of a new employee plan to have all the trains run on time all day Thursday—On Time Thursday posters are posted in all employee bathrooms—revealed that indeed the trains have run on time since this plan was put into effect four weeks ago. Now, the Commissioner is authorizing a new On Time Tuesday plan beginning next Monday. If this is a success too, he intends to then inaugurate On Time Wednesday, which would give us three days in a row on time. Wouldn’t that be something?

COMMISSIONER ASPINALL’S MESSAGE
Do not buy Thomas O’Dell’s new tell-all about me. He is a peanut. A peanut without a brain. He’s also an animal.

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