The Hamptons Subway

Hamptons Subway Newsletter: Week of April 12­–18, 2018

Week of April 12­–18, 2018
Riders this past week: 15,433
Rider miles this past week: 95,841

DOWN IN THE TUBE
Toni Ross was seen boarding the summer pop-up subway at Georgica on the first day of its spring opening on Thursday, April 11. Jimmy Buffett was seen showing photographs of his yacht to some friends on a subway heading from North Haven to Sag Harbor. It arrives next week.

AWARDS FOR HAMPTON SUBWAY
The United States Academy of Subways, based in Chicago, held their annual awards ceremony last week. Hamptons Subway won the coveted “Ulysses” for having the Best Interior Lighting in the Tunnels for Subway Systems with Fewer than 20 Stops. Hamptons Subway had to tell a white lie to get this award because we have three pop-up summer stops—Georgica, Coopers and Main Beach—which would have thrown us into a higher category where there is far more competition.

NEW POET FOR 2018
Charles Manson Oglethorpe III of Quogue was selected as the official poet for Hamptons Subway last week. He replaces Mrs. Onana Picton Bwana Poop of Westhampton Beach who, in a ceremony in the Commissioner’s Office, relinquished the crown she wore all of last year to Dr. Oglethorpe. Here was the winning poem from Dr. Oglethorpe that swung the tide of the judges in his favor:

The Devil Underground
Hark! The Devil speaks fire from his tongue to his minions below the Southampton Station.
The Devil mines his ore with a lighted pitchfork. His minions follow in a long sad line.
The Devil never comes out of his tunnel. He lurks. He lunges. He laughs. He leers. But nobody will ever tell.
The Devil owns his turf under Southampton, and it’s not for nothing that he fell into that dell. And there is an awful smell.

#METOO
This summer, our regular spotters will be out on the subway looking for celebrities as usual, but in addition, we will have a roving photographer who will take photos of any rider who wants to pay a small fee and have a picture taken and photoshopped into a picture of a celebrity riding the subway so it looks like the photographed person is with that celebrity. Just say “Hash Tag Me Too.” Another perk from Hamptons Subway!

ANNUAL WARNING
Riders are again warned that by riding the subway they are giving permission to have themselves appear in any of the movies that we license to be filmed on the subway. You will not be given a credit, since credits only go to people with speaking parts and that is not you. You are only there for background. And you also give permission for CGI people at the studios to graft somebody else’s head on your body if they don’t think yours is appropriate.

NEW SIGNAGE
The old signs we had by the ticket booths that read HAMPTON SUBWAY DOES NOT GO TO MANHATTAN are being replaced this year with signs reading HAMPTON SUBWAY ONLY GOES AS FAR WEST AS REMSENBERG. A committee of subway riders felt the old sign was demeaning to riders.

COMMISSIONER ASPINALL’S MESSAGE
Our latest trophy, the coveted “Egbert,” which we earned in Chicago, is now on display in the executive office lobby of the Hamptons Subway building in Hampton Bays with all our other trophies. I brought it back with me on my way back from Fiji, where I spent two weeks with my secretary, giving advice to those on that island on how they might also have a subway system.

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