The Hamptons Subway

Hamptons Subway Newsletter: Week of June 29–July 5, 2018

We now accept Bitcoin for train fare.

Week of June 29–July 5, 2018
Riders this past week: 38,812
Rider miles this past week: 192,812

DOWN IN THE TUBE
Ken Auletta and Walter Bernard were seen riding the subway together between Sag Harbor and East Hampton carrying baseball mitts on Saturday. Jay-Z and Beyoncé were seen getting off at the luxurious Georgica stop on Saturday afternoon to be greeted on the platform there by the concierge. Paul Simon was spotted humming a tune while traveling on the subway between Amagansett and Montauk.

RECORD RIDERSHIP
More people took the subway last week than ever before and we expect this coming week, the Fourth of July, to be an even bigger bang-up success. The reason is that riding the subway is good for the environment. It is below ground so nothing from the subway can disturb the surface of the earth or the atmosphere above. Welcome all! Save the earth!

BITCOIN
Next week Hamptons Subway will be accepting Bitcoin for subway rides, rather than just the swipe cards. The regular turnstiles will be there for the swipe cards, but on every platform down at the end will be a Bitcoin turnstile with a slot in which you can drop Bitcoins. For now, any Bitcoin amount at all that will fit in the slot will do. We don’t know much about it yet, so just put in a Bitcoin nickel, dime or quarter for now and come on in. Exact amounts will be decided upon by the end of the week.

IT’S OKAY
All riders, both male and female, will be jammed into the subway cars over the Fourth of July weekend like sardines, so touching will occur between one person and another because it has to. At every platform at the bottom of the escalators beginning Friday will be subway employees handing out signs reading IT’S OK. Just take one if you’re okay with it and use the attached ribbon to put it around your neck, so it is displayed well as you struggle into a subway car.

BEER
Yes, that smell at the east end of the Ditch Plains stop is beer. It’s emanating from a storage room about 200 yards farther along in the tunnel heading for the lighthouse because it is there in that storage room that a vein was tapped in an underground water stream found to have just the right chemical balance for brewing beer. It’s been a sensational discovery, and since Memorial Day weekend, with the permission of Hamptons Subway officials, hops and barley have been brought in and the best craft beer in America is being produced. We can’t sell alcoholic beverages on the subway system, but Ditch Beer is being bottled into six packs, put in cardboard boxes and forklifted up the platform escalator to waiting trucks for distribution all over the world.

BEACH BOYS COMPETITION
The stops at Coopers Beach in Southampton and Main Beach in East Hampton are open for the summer and our new marketing director Pete Henley, from London, will have two Beach Boys cover bands at one or the other beach platform where the subway dead ends to entertain everybody. Listen to each, vote in the booth set up at each stop and whichever band gets the most votes will get a two-week all-expenses-paid trip to Las Vegas in October.

COMMISSIONER ASPINALL’S MESSAGE
It was said last fall that the subway service during the summer of 2017 was the worst ever, what with the delays, breakdowns and overbookings, so no doubt this summer will be better.

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