Donald Trump’s Blazing Speech to Congress After Pearl Harbor

Trump bird with cat cartoon by Mickey Paraskevas
Cartoon by Mickey Paraskevas

It is not generally known, but Donald Trump was President on December 8, 1941, one day after Pearl Harbor. Here is his address to Congress that afternoon:

There are those who think we should go to war after what happened yesterday at Pearl Harbor. These people are Democrats and the Fake News Media. If it weren’t for them riling everything up in the last few months, this never would have happened. It is them I blame.

Last night, I personally spoke to Emperor Hirohito in Tokyo who, as you know, I met with last week in Shanghai, which his brave troops have so recently captured.

The Emperor is a fine man, and we see everything eye-to-eye. I have invited him to Washington next month—we will prepare a wonderful reception for him as he did for me last month—and will discuss many things, including this embargo we have placed on their oil sources in the Philippines and Indonesia, wherever they are, which our Congress voted to do over my objections earlier in my term. Terrible they did that. Midterms are coming. You know what to do.

I would like to remind everyone that the media is blowing this way out of proportion, as they always do. When I met with the Emperor two years ago in Tokyo, there is no truth to the fact that he provided me with two prostitutes in my hotel room for the night I arrived. That this was two years ago doesn’t seem to matter to these fake news people. In a subsequent visit a month later, there were no prostitutes.

This same fake media claims we have lost our entire Pacific Fleet to the Japanese. The fact is we only lost our battleships. Our aircraft carriers were off at sea—their captains have been fired for lollygagging on their way home—and so, survived. Lucky for them. Not so lucky for the others. But they knew what they signed up for.

I am certain, at this point, that the danger has passed. In my phone call, the Emperor promised me that there would be no further attacks. It was just a lesson for us, letting us know that we should never have put an embargo on their oil supplies. For heaven sake, they are at war with China and some of the other islands way out there. So now it’s over.

Everybody, please get back to work. There’s lots to be done. As for me, I expect a new Trump Tokyo Hotel to rise up in Tokyo pretty soon. This is what I mean by America First.

Enjoy it.

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