Dan Rattiner's Stories

Crazy Uncle Trump: He’ll Say Anything and We Elected Him

Whatever a Crazy Uncle says is excusable. He’s just awful.

Opponents of Donald Trump watch the news hoping that somehow, somewhere, somebody will say something that will convince other Americans that Trump is a lying lout and is guilty of the transgressions he has been accused of.

It is a hopeless quest. The trouble is that these people are asking the wrong question. Shockingly, Donald Trump says words indicating he’s doing these wrong things all the time. So the question really should be, why isn’t anybody doing anything about it? The answer is that when he speaks, saying he’s doing bad things, he may be lying.

I’ll give you an example. He’s on this bus with an entertainment show host named Billy Bush and the recorder is on and Trump says when you get famous like him you can grab a woman’s pussy without permission and get away with it. Bush laughs nervously. He says something lame. The outcome? Bush is finished and Trump gets a pass.

Here’s another example. Paul Manafort and Michael Cohen are convicted of fraud and are going to jail. But Cohen turns informer. Trump says he’s lost all respect for Cohen. Cohen is a squealer. You’re supposed to protect the boss.

Trump, in his own words, has just said he molests women and has finances that need hiding.

I will assume, correctly, that the vast majority of both Democrats and Republicans are not bigots. So what’s the answer? The answer is he is a Crazy Uncle. He says whatever comes out of his mouth. Whatever a Crazy Uncle says is excusable. He’s just awful. But he could say the opposite tomorrow.

I have a program on my computer that translates what’s said into it in English into foreign languages. In the rest of this article, I will translate Trump’s statements into Crazy Uncle. We all have a Crazy Uncle. Or if we don’t, we know someone who does. People just accept Crazy Uncles.

Trump won’t give out his income taxes so the voters can see he is on the up and up. He says the IRS is investigating him so he can’t give it out.

CRAZY UNCLE: I told you three years ago the IRS was investigating me. So that’s not good enough? You don’t think they do investigations that long? Who’s lying here?

Trump says he never had any business dealings with Russians, not even in real estate.

CRAZY UNCLE: Somebody comes along and wants to put my name on a building. Am I supposed to say no? Well, I said no. No building with my name on it for them. And by the way, they really never asked me. It was somebody who worked for me.

Trump meets with Al Gore about climate change.

CRAZY UNCLE: I tell ya, Gore doesn’t know what he is talking about. But so does everybody else. So who you gonna believe? You know any better? My corns hurt. It’s bad weather. Ha.

Trump says he knew nothing about his son-in-law meeting the Russians in Trump Tower.

CRAZY UNCLE: He does what he does. You think I know everything? This guy marries my daughter, so what? He does these things, he’s a horse’s ass. That’s wrong? Who is telling you these things? I wanna know.

Trump says he never had sex with a porn star.

CRAZY UNCLE: I’m married to my wife. I wouldn’t do that. But you know…heh heh.

(Note to Readers: Buy the porn star’s new book. She describes our president’s penis.)

Trump says only 36 people died in the hurricane that hit Puerto Rico. The figure of 3,500 is just wrong. It’s politics.

CRAZY UNCLE: Look, I was there. That’s what they told me. Thirty-six. You think I get these numbers out of thin air? (Hits the person he’s talking to gently in the forehead with the palm of his hand.) What’s the matter with you?

Trump says the Mueller investigation is a witch-hunt. He’s done nothing wrong.

CRAZY UNCLE: These people investigating me, it’s a big waste of money. I should fire this guy. But I’m not going to. Let him make a big fool out of himself. Then everybody’ll see how the Democrats got to him.

Trump finally admits that Obama was born in America.

CRAZY UNCLE: What I meant was, I don’t care if he’s black or brown or yellow or whatever, if you’re not born an American citizen you can’t be president. End of story.

Trump says he’s much richer than people say he is.

CRAZY UNCLE: So your uncle’s made his big bundle, you know, the hard way. Nobody gets it. Nobody gets what I get. Nobody. You cheat! Learn!

Trump says that Obamacare is going to fall of its own accord.

CRAZY UNCLE: Nobody knows healthcare better than me. You want to keep going with this catastrophe? Tell you what. I’ll make it worse. Watch.

Trump says he gets along great with North Korea.

CRAZY UNCLE: He knows all the jokes. Laughs all in the right places. How could he be bad? So he puts a few people away. They deserve it. He and I, we’ll do great things together. Stop worrying about nuclear missiles. I got it covered.

Every day, I hold up my iPhone to the TV and what Trump says comes out in Crazy Uncle. It’s a little different than what he says, but with the exaggeration, you get it. It’s amazing.

The Democrats are horrified. They think the country was getting along just fine. This is the President of the United States. He’s crude, narcissistic and he plays with matches. The Republicans say the country is collapsing. Nobody is doing anything. We’ve had a frozen Congress for eight years. Maybe a Crazy Uncle can fix it. Or at least shake it up a bit.

Can a Crazy Uncle fix things? The night before, he meets with people and the next day the fix is in. Unfortunately, that’s not what anybody had in mind.

But yes, he shakes up the pea patch. A few things are good. Most are horrible. I hope he’s gone after his four years. And truly, we’ve got to get the two sides of the aisle in Congress talking to each other. Put them into a big room and don’t let them out until they’ve had some alcohol, shaken hands, clapped one another on the back and compromised on stuff.

They decide to give undocumented immigrants in America a path to citizenship. They decide to clamp down big time on people coming over the border from Mexico illegally. One hundred thousand people guard the border. The rich decide to give more to the poor, but the safety net stays, the bureaucrats can still meddle but not as much, and everyone gets the opportunity to get rich if they try hard enough. It’s the American Dream.

If Congress does that, or to put it another way, WHEN Congress does that, there will be no further need for a Crazy Uncle.

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