The Hamptons Subway

Hamptons Subway Newsletter: Week of November 23–29, 2018

Sorry we canceled this year's frozen turkey giveaway.

Week of November 23–29, 2018
Riders this past week: 15,312
Rider miles this past week: 68,411

DOWN IN THE TUBE
Southampton architect Siamak Samii was seen with a roll of plans under his arm for the new Bridgehampton Child Care & Recreational Center building while on the subway between Noyac and Sag Harbor last Thursday. He was on his way to a board meeting. Filmmakers Chris and Paul Weitz were seen Tuesday morning with Sarah Jessica Parker heading from Amagansett to Napeague and the new stage set Indian village there. Singer Paul Simon was seen traveling from the Montauk Lighthouse station to the Downtown Montauk station on Monday afternoon.

NEW SAFETY DIRECTOR
Hamptons Subway Commissioner Bill Aspinall, using the Trump Hiring Method, is proud to announce the appointment of Butch McConnell to the post of Safety Director for Hamptons Subway beginning on Monday. He is to replace Safety Director Sally Thunderhead, who got all bogged down with making weekly reports and creating ever more stringent rules. McConnell is well known in the subway safety director field. He held that job at the Toronto subway system when two trains had a head on collision for some reason. He then left to work as the Chicago Subway Safety Director when one train ran off the rails and hit another train while the motorman was asleep at the wheel. This is a lot of good first-hand experience and we are proud to have someone who knows so much about subway train wrecks as does our new safety director. These are valuable experiences.

NEW SUBWAY NOISE
After consulting with several psychiatrists, Commissioner Aspinall has come up with a unique new plan to deal with passenger stress during the frequent occasions when a subway train experiences a tie-up in a tunnel and the sound of the train squealing down the tracks is no more. “We’ve recorded normal squealing sounds,” Aspinall told our intern reporter Bubbles McGee last Thursday. “And when the train comes to a halt, the motorman in the lead car presses a button activating the recording until the train begins to move again. We’ve conducted tests with several pretend 10-minute delays in the tunnel east of Southampton, and the passengers clearly are much happier about it. Some don’t even realize there is a delay.

BLACK FRIDAY
Our Black Friday promotion was a big success on Hamptons Subway when customers showed at our token booths wearing entirely black to accept their half-price one-day subway cards for having done so. They waited patiently in long lines to get the free half-price subway cards because everybody who came had to take off their black shoes to show black socks. Many were disappointed to find that that was one of the requirements, but in the small print on all the social media sites where the promotion was explained, we were quite clear about having black socks. Also people were supposed to wear black underwear, but the Hamptons Subway management agreed to just take peoples’ word for it, rather than do inspections. We give thanks to our new Marketing Director Horace Greeley for thinking this up because it was a real hit for those who stuck it out and didn’t just give up and walk off. Too bad for those people.

COMMISSIONER ASPINALL’S MESSAGE
As I am sure you know by now, Hamptons Subway didn’t give away 500 30-pound Butterball frozen turkeys to all those who came through the turnstiles this year. It was a budgetary cutback. However, we did buy a dozen frozen turkeys anyway and gave them out to those passengers who got adamant and ornery for not having known about the cancellation of the giveaway.

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