The Hamptons Subway

Hamptons Subway Newsletter: Week of February 14–20, 2019

We are not responsible for ice slippages. Your card says so.

Week of February 14–20, 2019
Riders this past week: 33,412
Rider miles this past week: 99,999

DOWN IN THE TUBE
Ralph Lauren and Paris Hilton were seen chatting together Tuesday on the Southampton eastbound platform. Howard Stern, talking to himself, was seen on the subway heading from Quogue to Westhampton Beach on Saturday morning. Marisa Tomei and Julianne Moore were discussing politics quietly and without incident on the Hamptons Subway on Monday afternoon going west between Amagansett and East Hampton.

CHIPS
Hamptons Subway is now offering computer chips that can be affixed by Band-Aid to the ankle of anyone who cares to do that. The chip sends a message back to our central station showing your whereabouts on the subway system as a blinking blue dot. We think this might be useful to keep yourself from getting lost while using the subway. This would be particularly helpful to people new to the area. All you’d need do is use your cell phone to send a text to the Hamptons Subway management team requesting a phone call that would inform you of where you are.

The chip automatically turns itself off when you leave the system and glide up to street level aboard our escalators, although sometimes it doesn’t do that and we are working on why that happens. The chip can also be affixed to pets. Pets are allowed on the subway in proper carriers, but sometimes they escape. This happened with a snake last week and it would have been found sooner if it had been wearing the chip. Chips are free of charge.

FROGS
In answer to one rider’s question, no, frogs are not pets. They have to be kept in jars to ride the subway, jars with little holes in the lid. Someone said they have a frog that weighs 19 pounds. Still not a pet.

BUSTS OF THE PRESIDENTS
Hamptons Subway has partnered with Hangsu Shanghi, the Chinese company that makes rubber images of all the American presidents, and we are giving one bust to every person who comes through the turnstiles on President’s Day. Last year when we did this, we allowed riders coming through the turnstiles to pick the President they wanted, but searching through the big black plastic bags for a bust of President Warren G. Harding at that time created long delays there in Southampton at the morning rush hour, and it did get nasty. So this year, you get what you’re given. Maybe if you go in and out often enough on President’s Day this year you will eventually get a Warren G. Harding. Or get them all. This year, the value of each bust is nearly double what it was last year because of the new tariff on Chinese goods, so you’ll get much more if you go to sell on eBay.

CARRY POLICY
Guns are not permitted to be carried on any Hamptons Subway. If you come from a town in the Hamptons that allows guns and you show up with one, we will hold it for you safely inside our ticket booths until you return. We have a special rack for them, like a coat rack.

COMMISSIONER ASPINALL’S MESSAGE
We had numerous people coming up or down the subway stairs to the street who slipped on the ice during these recent cold weather spells. You will see on the back of your swipe card in very tiny print the declaration that by swiping this card, you agree that Hamptons Subway is not to be responsible for such slippages. What we will do, however, is give a free $50 swipe card to anyone who can show us a bruise that resulted from such an encounter.

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