The Hamptons Subway

Hamptons Subway Newsletter: Week of February 8–14, 2019

The New York Subway System is attacking us.

Week of February 8–14, 2019
Riders this past week: 23,812
Rider miles this past week: 95,622

DOWN IN THE TUBE
Author Robert Caro was seen last Tuesday morning traveling from Sag Harbor to East Hampton carrying a large bust of Lyndon Johnson on his lap. Steven Spielberg and Paul McCartney were seen on the Hamptons Subway traveling from Amagansett to Montauk on Thursday morning laughing at something one of them said. Hillary Clinton was seen traveling from Southampton to Noyac on Monday morning in the company of Mike Bloomberg and Kamala Harris.

HELIUM BALLOONS
Our two dead-end stops are Coopers Beach and Main Beach. Both are spurs off their downtown stops, Southampton and East Hampton respectively, and both are only open in the summertime. A festive theme prevails. Beach Boys music is blared out over the platforms. Surfboards are mounted on the walls. Party balloons lurk under the ceilings, moved this way and that by the cool summer breezes. The beach umbrella and towel rental unit is open.

Many supplies are ordered for these stations in February. And this past week, a delivery of 50,000 balloons to each station went awry when Amazon left the boxes containing them on the exterior decks adjacent to the beachside doors, where 40-mile-an-hour winds and ­-5° temperatures ripped open the boxes and tore away the contents out to sea. The weird thing is that these balloons were delivered flat. Inflation would occur in May, just before the stations open.

And yet, they have been floating in from the sea everywhere, inflated, by the dozens every day. Round up any you find and prick them with a sharp implement to bang them back to flat. You can recognize our balloons because all are silver with the words COWABUNGA on one side and YO DUDE on the other. Bring the remains to our Hamptons Subway office in Hampton Bays. We’ve set out several bins to receive them. No fully inflated balloons please.

NEW YORK SUBWAY ATTACKS
Hamptons Subway has been the victim of several cyber attacks from the New York Subway System as our relations with them deteriorate. The New York Subway ordered one attack Wednesday, which shut down service all through the afternoon hours. In another attack on Saturday, leaflets sprinkled down with a warning that worse will come. Their goal seems to be to infiltrate the upper levels of Hamptons Subway’s administration computers with the intention of getting resignations so the New York Subway powers step in. Never going to happen. Hamptons Subway riders are urged to be alert. If you see something, say something. And keep your possessions close at all times. Commissioner Aspinall says New York Subway is the #1 threat to Hamptons Subway. We all have to do our part.

RUSSIAN ORDERS
Last week, between three and four in the afternoon, the mechanical voice began speaking “Watch out for the closing doors” in a Brooklyn accent. Our agents have since traced this back through Brooklyn to Caracas, Venezuela. President Trump has been made aware of the situation and, we are told, two platoons of Marines are on their way. Trump is giving a major address about this latest threat at 9 p.m. tomorrow evening from aboard the Intrepid Aircraft Carrier at Pier 86 in Manhattan. Stay tuned.

COMMISSIONER ASPINALL’S MESSAGE
Beginning next week, all Hamptons Subway employees will be undergoing a thorough background check whether they have had one before or not. The alarming trend continues. But you will be safe. New York Subway is now rated #3 threat after #1 the Mexican border and #2 Venezuela.

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