The Hamptons Subway

Hamptons Subway Newsletter: Week of March 29–April 4, 2019

Someone stole our famous Golden Spike and we want it back.

Week of March 29–April 4, 2019
Riders this past week: 38,412
Rider miles this past week: 99,001

DOWN IN THE TUBE
Two members of the cast of Bravo’s Summer House, Amanda Batula and Kyle Cook, were seen hopping off the subway at the Napeague station where the house is, but then hopping back on to continue to Montauk. This was on Friday afternoon. Roger Rosenblatt, the writer, was seen traveling with actor Frank Langella from Bridgehampton to East Hampton on Monday afternoon, reading a movie script of Lapham Rising together. Jimmy Buffett was seen strumming his guitar on the subway from North Haven to Sag Harbor on Friday to check on his yacht slip.

GOLDEN SPIKE STOLEN
After several subway riders reported a little bump on the tracks between Bridgehampton and Water Mill, we sent a crew down there on Monday night after the subway closed for maintenance to check it out. We found that the Golden Spike, which was driven when the subway line was built to connect the tracks that came from Westhampton in the west and Montauk in the East was missing, apparently stolen.

If anyone knows of its whereabouts—it is 11 inches long and solid gold—please contact Hamptons Subway at our main office in Hampton Bays anytime 24/7. Operators are standing by. We are offering a $500 reward to anyone giving us information that results in the arrest, conviction, jail time, completion of sentence and release to whoever did this. All inquiries are confidential. Meanwhile, a new stronger, cheaper and identical spike of steel is serving as a temporary replacement.

UBER TRAIN
We are proud to announce that arrangements have now been made with Uber to allow all passengers on the platforms between 2 and 6 a.m. when the regularly scheduled subway trains no longer run, to be able to order a subway train anyway. Just download our HSubway app on your phone, enter location and destination and pay—an additional fee gets charged depending on the length of the ride—on your credit card. This is on top of the regular $2.75 swipe card charge that gets you through the turnstiles. You can expect your train will move slowly so as not to hit any maintenance people on the tracks during your ride. But enjoy.

THAT WEDDING
It’s been a not-very-well kept secret of who got married on the subway system last Sunday. The subway was rented out for this private affair and so opened to the public at noon rather than 6 a.m. Caviar and champagne were on silver trays for 3,000 guests, a parade of “devils”—musicians dressed as devils with swishing tails—came down the tracks into the station at the appropriate time—we all know which station—playing “The Society Rag,” six religious leaders who married the couple tag team using their different exhortations to God, “Just Married” helium balloons were released after the vows were made and then a flurry of specially trained white doves flew up and using their beaks exploded the balloons, sending shreds of silver glittering down on the crowd.

Celebrity speeches followed—you know who gave them—and then dancing and the opening of thousands of gifts by the bride. What a time! The subway didn’t open until 2, but the crowds held behind velvet ropes up on the sidewalks at the top of subway entrances understood. And they cheered as the couple flew up and out by helicopter through an especially opened air grating above the platform below. What a time!

COMMISSIONER ASPINALL’S MESSAGE
We are considering having escalator-racing competitions for the kids on Sunday afternoons during the summer. Any thoughts?

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