The Hamptons Subway

Hamptons Subway Newsletter: Week of May 15–21, 2019

Pink Somali bunnies are nesting in the tunnel between Water Mill and Bridgehampton.

Week of May 15–21, 2019
Riders this past week: 38,898
Rider miles this past week: 112,812

DOWN IN THE TUBE
Shelter Islander Andy Cohen was seen aboard the subway between Sag Harbor and East Hampton on his way to Amagansett to visit the oceanfront property he just bought. Scarlett Johansson, wearing a Black Widow outfit, was seen creeping through a subway car heading from Wainscott to Sagaponack. Joe Biden and Joy Behar were seen talking together about an interview while riding between Southampton and Water Mill.

SUBWAY POLICE
For security reasons, the Hamptons Subway Police will be wearing football referee uniforms complete with whistles all day Saturday and Sundays on the platforms between Memorial Day and Labor Day. It’s so they can identify one another easily in the crowds..

COMMISSIONER FOR LIFE?
Commissioner Bill Aspinall has issued an executive order declaring instead of having to run for office every two years, he will from now on be Commissioner for Life so he can focus better on the job at hand. His Board of Directors seems to have been blindsided by this order, but are looking through the rule books in vain looking for ways to stop him.

DELAY ON SUNDAY
Hamptons Subway regrets the two-hour systemwide delay that occurred last Sunday afternoon. Most riders who wanted to leave the subway cars during the problem were able to be guided down the catwalks to the exits by subway employees. The cause of the delay was Charlie Johnson and his one man band, who with his instruments on his back got stuck in the sliding doors between his snare drum, trumpet, cymbals, back harness and harmonica assembly just after 1 p.m. at the westbound Amagansett station. Part of the delay included a search for one drumstick which fell on the tracks and engineers were concerned might get clogged up in the wheels.

ENDANGERED SPECIES
In compliance with the Commissioner’s new endangered species rule requiring removal rather than protection of endangered species on the system, the pink and white fluffy endangered bunnies from Somalia that had set up a nest between Water Mill and Bridgehampton were, well, you don’t want to know.

BUY A CLOSING DOOR AD
The recorded announcement beginning on June 1, reminding riders to “watch out for the closing doors,” can be sponsored. Those interested should contact the advertising department at Hamptons Subway headquarters in Hampton Bays. The new announcement will be “this watch out for the closing doors message is sponsored by…” and then purchasers of the message will get to have 15 additional words of their choice. It’s a captive audience.

COMMISSIONER ASPINALL’S MESSAGE
The luxurious Georgica Station, referred to affectionately as the “Georgica Pop-Up Station” since it is only open in the summertime (it is a pop down really when you think about it) is getting additional platform perks. Joining with the concierge, the butler and the string quartet, the celebrated chef Maurice Montpelier from Andorra (the tiny country between France and Spain) will be offering a buffet of caviar and truffles on baguettes together with a fine 1948 white wine from the hinterlands of his country. Hamptons Subway is also setting up contracts with local celebrities who will be “greeters” of the passengers getting off onto this exclusive platform. These new perks will be paid for by the increased fares we are putting into place beginning June 1.

READ MORE HAMPTONS SUBWAY

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