The Hamptons Subway

Hamptons Subway Newsletter: Week of May 22–27 2019

Hamptons Subway officials are considering changing the name of the company.

Week of May 22–27 2019
Riders this past week: 38,898
Rider miles this past week: 112,812

DOWN IN THE TUBE
Author Dava Sobel was seen riding Hamptons Subway from East Hampton to Sag Harbor Saturday pulling a heavy suitcase full of her book The Glass Universe which is flying off the shelves at all bookstores. Shock jock Howard Stern and radio personality Terry Gross were seen talking together on a subway heading to Westhampton Beach from Quogue on Friday.

DISASTER DRILL GOES WRONG
Don’t let what you read in the media about Hamptons Subway’s disaster drill problems deter you from taking the subway during Memorial Day weekend. Last Monday, with the weekend just five days away, Commissioner Aspinall ordered a disaster drill to make sure everybody on our staff was ready to cope. There was no warning. And none of the staff was ready. It began with the 5 a.m. arrival of 900 volunteers most of whom in real life were Freshman at the Wading River Teachers College in exchange for $20 apiece for their fake performance.

They all lay down on the Southampton platform at that hour, their heads wrapped in bandages, their bodies covered with #11 red vegetable coloring to make them appear badly bleeding as a result of what they were told to tell all the subway customers who showed up at 6 when the subway system opened, that a natural gas leak and explosion had occurred. Panic ensued. 911 was called. A SWAT team, a real one, guns drawn, arrived and ran down the escalator, Doctors and paramedics emerged from ambulances and raced downstairs to the rescue accompanied by coroners, detectives, police sharpshooters and nurses who, after issuing injections to calm the “victims” had them all carried off on gurneys to Eastern Suffolk Hospital for evaluation. They are all still there three days later, missing classes. We have decided to double the $20 payment for what they have had to go through.

NAME CHANGE?
Hamptons Subway officials are considering changing the name of the company. “We’re more than just a subway,” Commissioner Aspinall said. “We just had an Easter Egg hunt. We hold Fourth of July Fireworks on all our platforms. We partner with the Subway restaurant chain selling foot-longs from the platform kiosks, so are a dining experience. Our Miss Hamptons Subway competition is unparalleled. And the musicians who sit on the concrete platforms strumming tunes are a music festival.” Candidates for the new name include Hampton Transit, Aspinall’s Dream, Worldwide Transportation Plus, the Hampton Experience and East End Subway, a proposal that was quickly withdrawn after North Fork residents demanded an expansion of the system to include Southold and Greenport. The new name will be announced in the fall.

OVERTIME
Investigators looking into the practices of the Hamptons Subway Union No. 34 have found that nearly all subway employees are paid overtime for more hours a week than exist in a week. But now its been learned the State Investigators looking into this are also paid overtime for more hours than exist in a week. It’s a kind of standoff.

SUNTAN LOTION GIVEAWAY
To jumpstart the summer, Hamptons Subway’s new marketing director Kevin Coagulator is giving away thousands of bottles of Mrs. Aspinall’s Suntan Lotion #6 at the turnstiles at all platforms all day Friday. Gladys Aspinall’s concoction consists of motor oil, mayonnaise, garlic and mashed avocado and she puts it on the Aspinall children and all of their friends every summer. “None have died from it,” she says in the TV commercial where she holds up the product.

COMMISSIONER ASPINALL’S MESSAGE
Carry on, everybody.

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