Police Blotter

New Hamptons Police Dept. ‘Glamour Mug Shotz’ Make Perps Pretty

Innovative mugshot studio adds some glitz to the often regrettable photos.

In a new effort to make arrest intakes more pleasant for well-heeled perps and avoid lawsuits, no matter how scurrilous, the Hamptons Police Department is adding a bit of glitz to their normally drab mugshot studio. The initiative, called “Glamour Mug Shotz,” aims to make all mugshots a beautiful as possible.

“For the first time in history, police department mugshots can be seen by the whole world via the internet, so we’re going to be known for having the most striking, attractive photos possible,” Hamptons Police spokesman Larry Hirsch explained on Tuesday. “From this day forward, our mugshot studio will be equipped with a skilled makeup and hair team, a full soft lighting system, and a choice of multiple backgrounds—a woodland scene, red and blue lasers, patriotic American flag and a wide array of abstract patterns and colors,” Hirsch continued. “No matter how drunk or beat up you might be, your mugshot will come out sparkling and fabulous.”

HPD insiders say the new studio came after several Hamptonites and visitors sued the department in an attempt to block their embarrassing arrest photos from proliferating online. “The lawsuits were thrown out of court, of course, but we still had to pay lawyers to make them go away,” Hamptons Police Department mugshot photographer and man behind Glamour Mug Shotz, Jonesy Douglas, revealed this week, noting that they also considered allowing people to pay to keep mugshots under wraps. “A lifetime ago, I worked at a shopping mall photo studio, so this whole thing is like second nature to me,” Douglas added. “It’s like riding a bike. You never forget how to make subjects glamorous.”

As of press time, Hamptons police had already created 12 Glamour Mug Shotz featuring individuals arrested for a variety of crimes, including loitering, theft, illegal camping and campaign finance law violations. Every one of them looks stunningly beautiful.

“This is the best picture of me ever taken,” infamous local transient Darius “Six Toes” McCrackle said following his arraignment in Hamptons Municipal Court on Tuesday. “My skin looks blemish-free, my beard is clean and well oiled, my hair is combed, and they even gave me a fresh button-down shirt to wear,” McCrackle marveled. “Heck, if I ever need my portrait taken, I’ll just go and get myself arrested. It’s that good!”

Hirsch said the HPD is pleased with their results so far, but the true test will come next summer. “Once the tourist and part-time population returns, we’ll find out if Glamour Mug Shotz passes muster. If it does, there’s a good possibility we can continue to innovate with new props, lenses and equipment, and eventually expand the program to other departments around the country.”

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