The Hamptons Subway

Hamptons Subway Newsletter: Week of November 1–7, 2019

Hamptons Subway Moss Cakes, made with real tunnel moss, are all the rage.

Week of November 1–7, 2019
Riders this past week: 27,412
Rider miles this past week: 88,514

DOWN IN THE TUBE
Jerry Seinfeld was seen early Friday morning riding from East Hampton to Amagansett alone. He apparently thought of something funny and it made him chuckle to himself, our spotter reports. Donna Karan was seen riding with Ina Garten, heading from Southampton to Water Mill on Sunday carrying shopping bags. Liev Schreiber was on the subway heading for Amagansett from Montauk last Monday afternoon.

MOSS CAKES
Those Hamptons Subway Moss Cakes showing up on the shelves in all the markets in the Hamptons during this last week are all the rage. The moss is collected from the interior walls of all our tunnels, some of it having grown there for decades. Food critics have declared them delicious and healthy and environmentalists say it is a good way to recycle the moss, which gets scraped into pots by our maintenance people when the subway gets cleaned every night. Recipe is by Andreatta Aspinall, the daughter of our beloved Commissioner and we’re told The New York Times is considering giving her a regular cooking column.

NEW KIOSKS
For years, the only two kinds of kiosks on our platforms have been the newspaper stands and the Subway Restaurant chain’s food stands—home of the “foot-longs.” Now a new company, Foot Pleasure, has gotten a license to do foot rubs on the platforms. Their kiosks have curtains. Privacy reigns. Rubs are from 10 minutes to two hours. Fix up those tired feet before you travel. Or after. What fun!

STRANGE DEVELOPMENT
A young actor named Benny Bathos has a supporting role in the Netflix series BATSHIT and we’ve noticed him, curiously, riding our subway frequently, even though he is not a Hamptonite. We approached him to ask him why he rides so much and he said he hopes to get mentioned in the “Down in the Tube” column, which he thinks will advance his career. Of course we will never do that sort of thing so he will never get mentioned.

CORKS
We have determined that the recent rains which caused minor flooding down in our stations and platforms has been caused by water getting down the stairs from the street level entrances. As a result, we have commissioned a North Fork winery to create giant corks we could use to plug up the entrances in advance when heavy rain is in the forecast. We regret the inconvenience this might cause. However, you will get arrested if you try to remove the corks so watch out.

MOTHS
A colony of moths have set up shop in the subway tunnel between Westhampton Beach and Quiogue to flutter around the ceiling lights in the tunnels there. It gives those using the trains a kind of flickering light as they pass by and we’ve considered sending in the exterminators but on second thought we’ve come to think this might be a situation where you live and let live.

COMMISSIONER ASPINALL’S MESSAGE
The new facial recognition software at all platform turnstiles is now in place and has already stopped one turnstile jumper. Until now, this has been a problem. With the software, the turnstile jumper gets one free jump, but during that free jump his face is captured in the system and the next time he tries it, the turnstile will recognize him at the beginning of his jump and the turnstile paddles will leap up, reverse direction, hit him as he flies over and hurl him backwards toward the token booth. Our first “customer” was not seriously injured, but will surely not be jumping again.

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