Police Blotter

Black Friday Battle Didn’t Happen for Hamptons Police

Thanks, Amazon.

Following the Hampton Police Department’s call to action in the War on Black Friday last week, hundreds of curmudgeonly volunteers lined up to accept riot gear and batons, and join officers in keeping the peace on the biggest shopping day of the year. Unfortunately, or perhaps fortunately, the crowds never came.

“It appears online sales and the promise of Cyber Monday diverted the usual holiday shopping madness,” HPD spokesman Rex Gallant said on Monday. “Our forces gathered itching for a fight, and no one showed up. It’s a good thing as far as the Department is concerned, but it was definitely a bit disappointing for our volunteers—I think many of them just really wanted to get out their frustrations after spending Thanksgiving with family the day before. We all know how that can be. I get it.”

The day wasn’t entirely wasted, according to Gallant, who noted, “Several of our officers say they were able to get through a ton of levels on Candy Crush while they waited for something to happen on Friday. And because they had so much time, few reported having to buy a single power up or any gold bars. So that’s something, right?”

Meanwhile, despite dozens of letters arguing both sides of the issue, Gallant says there’s been no change in the HPD’s neutral position in the War on Christmas. “That’s just not something for us to weigh in on,” he explained. “We have officers on both sides and no one wants to get in the middle of it.”

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