Hamptons Subway Newsletter: Week of December 4–10, 2019

Photos: Kan Khampanya/Belchonock/Kirill Kedrinski/123RF
Photos: Kan Khampanya/Belchonock/Kirill Kedrinski/123RF

Week of December 4–10, 2019
Riders this past week: 36,291
Rider miles this past week: 93,895

DOWN IN THE TUBE
Drew Barrymore was seen riding the Hampton Subway from North Haven to Sag Harbor on Saturday afternoon. There was a delay with some deer having to be shooed off the tracks at that time, but she didn’t seem to mind. Friends Jimmy Fallon and Mariah Carey, both carrying Christmas packages, were seen riding a subway from Georgica to Wainscott humming “All I Want for Christmas Is You” together.

NOT BEST OF THE BEST?
Every year, in the national awards ceremony for this nation’s best subway system, Hamptons Subway has carried off the First Prize Best of the Best Award for the Small Subway System Mid-Atlantic Region. At this year’s extravaganza, held at the new Las Vegas Trump Tower, however, we were passed over. No award at all. Not Second, Third or even Fourth. The reason, we think, was tampering with the rules this year. In the past, we were the only subway system in the category, so of course we won.

This year, our category was modified, gerrymandered and expanded not only to include the Upper New England category of Maine, New Hampshire and Vermont, but also now the lower Mid-Atlantic New Jersey, Maryland and Delaware category. Furthermore, the size of the municipality’s population total was both increased and decreased. The old Pee Wee category for subway systems was absorbed into our category, for example. And we had to compete with larger small subway systems such as Newark, Scranton and Burlington, Vermont, which were formerly in the mid-size category.

Thus when the winners were announced in our category, we were shocked to learn that this year’s winner in our category was the Bangor Maine Underground Trolley even though it’s system is not much larger than a hundred-yard-road underpass. We have filed a protest.

CHRISTMAS SHOPPER ADVISORY
New rules have been added to the old this year about what you can carry onto a subway car during the holiday shopping season. Nothing that is Bluetooth-enabled is allowed in the subway cars this year. Elephants have been added to the list of animals that are no longer allowed in the subway cars as a result of last year’s debacle. And that includes companion elephants. And no gift wrapped package that ticks, dings or goes “whooga whooga” will be allowed.

MUSIC FOR THE HOLIDAY
This year’s holiday background music on the subway system platforms is being expanded to include songs not only from the Christian and Hebrew songbooks, but also from the Hindu, Buddhist, Taoist, Muslim, Kwanzaa and Native American songbooks. Holiday music for other groups will also be played, provided devotees send us TIFS of their songs before the cutoff date of midnight of December 15.

LEAD CAR ONLY SANTA CLAUS
Our new program in effect since the day after Thanksgiving that has put Santa Clauses sitting on every single subway car 24 hours a day with availability to talk to kids since has been changed. Kids have gotten upset. There are too many Santa Clauses and you tell him one thing in one car and another in another car and he doesn’t remember. And one might be tall and the next one short. So who is he? Beginning Monday, one Santa only will be seated in the lead car of every subway train. We’ve had to lay off nearly 3/4 of the Santas we hired and there have been tears and bad feelings but what can you do.

COMMISSIONER ASPINALL’S MESSAGE
My best wishes to everybody this holiday season no matter what or who you pray with. It’s all about God. Or whoever.

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