The Hamptons Subway

Hamptons Subway Newsletter: Week of January 9–15, 2020

Renée Zellweger seems to be everywhere, but where is Commissioner Aspinall?

Week of January 9–15, 2019
Riders this past week: 41,922
Rider miles this past week: 111,119

DOWN IN THE TUBE
Here are our most well-read Renée Zellweger sightings in 2019: Amagansett to Montauk at 3:33 p.m., April 17. Montauk to Bridgehampton at 5:58 p.m., April 17. Sag Harbor to Noyack at 11:52 a.m., June 3. Southampton to Shinnecock 3:45 p.m., July 8. Shinnecock to Bridgehampton 10:42 a.m., July 9. Water Mill to Mecox 12:52 p.m., August 4. Georgica to Southampton 11:41 a.m., September 5.

SPOTTERS HOLIDAY
The young interns who serve as “celebrity spotters” on our subway system will be awarded one week off beginning February 3, so if you want to ride the subway without the bother of being reported in these pages, you can do it then.

NEW TRAIN ARRIVALS
A total of five new luxury subway coaches along with five moderately appointed subway coaches and three barebones subway coaches will arrive by barge from Canada and be in service by February 15 if all goes well. There is no increase or decrease in fares depending on which coach you choose when you cross the platforms, at least now.

ESCALATOR ESCAPADES
Many subway straphangers have complained about fellow subway straphangers, mostly teenagers, running down the down escalators at our stations to catch trains. As a result, we posted signs that read NO RUNNING DOWN THE DOWN ESCALATOR at street level on all our platforms. Unfortunately, these signs were taken down by thieves within days after they were put up, which resulted in our repeatedly having to put up new signs. When the thievery didn’t let up, we then instigated the stop-and-frisk searches that all you folks complained about in September so we stopped that after just a week. Now we are trying something new. It’s a three-pronged approach.

There are no more NO RUNNING DOWN THE DOWN ESCALATOR signs. Instead, we have installed signs reading NO RUNNING DOWN THE UP DOWN ESCALATOR at the street level. And so far this has worked. Our new marketing director, Fred Friendly, has met with Commissioner Aspinall about all this and is now getting ready to institute running down the up escalator races between six and seven am when nobody is using the up escalators because the passengers are all heading down when we open up in the morning for that hour. Mr. Friendly thinks this would be a nice gesture for the young people and maybe we’d even get some of those earlier signs they stole back. Winning record times and the name of the kid who did it will be posted every evening at every platform’s up escalator so the kids will see it the next morning when they come in to strut their stuff the next day.

WOOD PANELED BAR
Several members of our maintenance crew who work cleaning up the tunnels and platforms every night when the subway is not running used sledge hammers to break through a padlock on the steel entry door to a previously unknown storage room in the tunnel between Southampton and Water Mill. Inside, they have found an Irish bar in perfect condition, apparently imported timber by timber from somewhere in Ireland in the year 1927. A calendar from Tipperary on the wall shows that date. Seems it was used by the staff during at least one of those prohibition years. We are trying to find out which Irish bar went missing back then that came ashore over here. All the liquor was in good condition. We hope to return it to where it came from.

COMMISSIONER ASPINALL’S MESSAGE
The Commissioner went on vacation on New Year’s Eve and has not been heard from since.

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