The Hamptons Police Department reports that the unseasonably warm weather has led to a certain level of chaos since just before Christmas. According to HPD spokesman Rex Gallant, multiple “less sharp-minded” locals required assistance in recent weeks due to their unwavering belief that it’s springtime.
“We’re incredibly uncomfortable with the number of people ignoring dress codes and wearing shorts on village streets, despite the fact that they’re not permitted to do so in December and January,” Gallant explained. “It’s really quite unseemly, people showing off their knees and calves in the winter months, and we’ve ticketed them accordingly.”
Further, East Hampton’s Ancient Order of Clammers & Oystermen attempted to launch their annual Spring Mollusk Fair on Newtown Lane last weekend, causing unexpected traffic and much confusion among pedestrians. Residents who look forward to the fair each May were left frustrated by the thought that they may have missed it, but they need not worry. Thankfully, Gallant says his Department sent officers to stop the fair’s setup and they managed to clear the roads by noon on Saturday.
“To be clear, this was a giant misunderstanding,” Gallant explained. “The Spring Mollusk Fair did not actually open, and it will still run as scheduled this May.” In the meantime, Eddie “Clam Rake” Bennett has been removed from his post as AOCO president, a position he’s held since 1963. “It was a sad day for the Ancient Order of Clammers & Oystermen, but the old man will remain an active member in good standing,” he continued. “Clam Rake just got a bit confused is all, which is understandable, considering this absurdly warm weather.”
To curtail any future problems, Gallant says the HPD will be erecting signs throughout all South Fork towns, villages and hamlets, letting people know it’s still winter.