‘Monster Pole’ Incites Monster Confusion in East Hampton

Hamptons Police in riot gear prepare for the Monster Pole on quiet suburban street
Hamptons Police prepare for the Monster Pole, Photo: aoldman, snak/123RF

The Hamptons Police Department found itself managing a crisis on several fronts this week after it was reported that a “monster pole” is coming to Cooper Lane in East Hampton Village. It turns out this kind of claim can draw out crazies from all over the place.

“When we saw the story that a so-called monster pole was in the works, I’ll admit, our officers became a bit nervous,” HPD spokesman Rex Gallant told reporters on Wednesday. “But that’s because we expected to don our riot armor and face off against yet another local terrifying creature in battle, like the Ecuadorian Eel or the Montauk Monster,” he continued. “As it happened, other people who heard about the pole reacted poorly for a different reason, and we were left to clean up their mess.”

The original Montauk Monster image
The original Montauk Monster image, Photo: Jenna Hewitt

Gallant explained that shortly after word spread about the monster pole, some 60 members of the World Association of Cryptozoology Obsessives (aka WACO) traveled to East Hampton because they believed the pole would attract monsters. “They had read the situation much differently than our analysts,” he added. “So, by Thursday evening, we had all sorts of kooks setting up research equipment on Cooper Lane, while others—some usually very smart uniformed locals who shall remain nameless—brought a series of monster traps and set them along the street, and in nearby woods. To put it mildly, the residents were not happy at all.”

These perturbed residents called HPD and asked that officers break up the crowds and send everyone home, and Gallant said his team made record time getting to the scene: “Their arrival was almost instantaneous, and they did their job well. As soon as our guys responded, it was as if half of the crowd vanished. They then sent the WACO members home and brought peace back to Cooper Lane.”

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