The Battle Of The Beach


“Pa, are you sure you want to liberate the ocean beaches?”

“We have to, son. I wouldn’t want you to have to look your boy in the eye someday and tell him he can’t use the beach because we didn’t fight for our rights.”

“Tell me again what happened Pa . . .”

“Well, we had a pandemic.”’

“That’s when the plague killed all the toilet paper?”

“That’s right, boy. And the hamburgers, too.”

“Must have been sad.”

“It was, son. All the ketchup and mustards were crying and begging for one last chance. The cheese promised to stop melting. Even the pickles were upset.”

“So, what does that have to do with the beach?”

“They figure if you keep the little people off the beach, they can keep it for themselves.”

“We gonna try and liberate it, Pa?”

“I reckon. Listen up.”


Town press release: “East Hampton Town Police Department traffic control officers will be stationed at Indian Wells, Atlantic Avenue, South Edison, and Ditch Plains parking lots.”

Patriots: We’re planning to send a diversionary force from Napeague that will head east to provide ground cover. They’ll overrun the plover nests and cause a panic. We should be able to slip through the guards disguised as weeping environmentalists.

Town: Marine Patrols in quads or 4×4 vehicles will be assigned to Indian Wells and Atlantic Avenue, the Napeague Lane area, and the Montauk beaches. Designated additional police officers will be assigned to patrol Indian Wells and Atlantic Avenue, Ditch Plains, and South Edison.

Patriots: OK, these boys can be tough. Luckily for us, no matter where they say they are going, the Marine Patrol trucks will be either going to or coming from the 7-Eleven in Sag Harbor. Just carry a fishing pole and call whoever you see “Bubby” and you’ll be fine.

Town: The town’s beach reopening plan has been submitted to and approved by the county health department and an internal medicine and infectious disease specialist who the town board appointed on Tuesday as a volunteer consultant. The East Hampton Town Trustees have unanimously endorsed the plan.

Patriots: Don’t worry about the Trustees. We will offer them a “Benefit Plan.” They’ll roll over faster than you can say “dredge this.”

Town: In addition to enforcing beach regulations, police officers will continue visiting businesses to advise them that people must have a mask with them in public and be prepared to put it on when not able to maintain a six-foot social distance.

Patriots: You all have your Trump masks, but you can buy a J-Lo at the five and dime or a Kardashian. In addition, there will be plenty of surgical masks blowing all over the beach and floating in the water.

Town: “The opening of beaches on a trial basis will be closely monitored. We ask for everyone’s patience and cooperation so that we may all enjoy continued progress against COVID-19, and make the best of a summer that will be like no other,” Town Supervisor Peter Van Scoyoc said.

Patriots: This is the guy that wants to shut everything down. We used to have a town board but, one by one, they disappeared. Each of you will carry a picture of this gentleman, Jeffrey Bragman, who used to be on the board. If you see him, do not attempt to free him but give him food and water, put a mask on him, and call Marine Patrol to get him a Slurpee.


“Will I see the ocean again, Pa?”

“Sure, son. We can always take a ride over to Beach Lane in Wainscott and . . . well, never mind. By the way, if you see this Van Scoyoc guy, one word of advice: genuflect, son, genuflect.

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