Taylor Swift Spotted on the Hamptons Subway

SCENE ON THE SUBWAY

Actress, songwriter and beautiful person Taylor Swift was seen on the subway heading eastbound from the Westhampton Beach station toward Quogue. She was accompanied by about half a dozen pieces of luggage and a handsome young male friend with a two-day growth of beard, who apparently was there to help her move into her new home, the third she’s bought in the Hamptons.

COMMISSIONER ASPINALL CONSIDERS WORKING WITH TRUMP

The nation was aghast with the news last month that the individual at the Department of Labor who announced the small number of new jobs created by President Donald J. Trump’s new economic policy in July – 73,000 — had been fired by the president for announcing the news. Normally, the number of new jobs created was around 215,000. Subway Commissioner Aspinall, thinking about all this, says he intends to ask for this job. He says he could do it part time.

“Me and Mr. Trump were friends until this year. But recently, he’s tried to buy Hamptons Subway or throw a tariff on us. Says the subway is badly run. I think I can continue to fix what’s wrong as a full-time job. But part time, I could add to this by being hired to make the new jobs announcements going forward. Whatever he wants I can get. He wants 525,000 new jobs. I can announce 600,000. Someone says they can announce 650,000? I could do 700,000 and still have another 100,000 in reserve above that.

“Nobody can announce higher job reports than me. And though I know being subway commissioner is a full-time job, I can do the announcing right from here part time from my Hampton Bays office and save a lot of money for the billionaire tax cuts he’s always talking about. It’s time to make amends.

HOT COFFEE PROMOTION CANCELLED

The new promotion in which free Styrofoam cups of hot coffee were handed out beginning at 6 a.m. to everyone heading across all the platforms was cancelled after just one day on Monday. It seemed appreciated by most of the straphangers, but it turned out that the lurching of the trains going through the tunnels combined with the failure of our PR department to provide lids for the coffee created a real problem when put into practice. All dry cleaning and laundry bills should be sent to Howard Bimson, Hamptons Subway HQ., Public Relations Department, Box 74112, Ponquogue Avenue, Hampton Bays 11936.

Bimson promises to give each such claim his immediate attention.

ALL-DAY RIDE PROMOTION ALSO CANCELLED

A second promotion started by Bimson on Monday was also cancelled on Tuesday after just one day. This promotion allowed all straphangers who swiped their cards in the morning on Monday to come back later in the day and be able to use the subway for free after that until the subway closed at 2 a.m. So many people came back with their swipe cards in the afternoon for the free ride that the trains were just jammed with people standing-room only beginning at the five o’clock rush and right through to closing. Since that also coincided with the continued free coffee promotion during that day, the whole thing was just a disaster. Extra crews had to be called in during the night between 2 a.m. and 6 a.m. when the subway is closed to clean up the rivers of spilled coffee during those hours.

As a sidelight to this, Howard Mergenthaller, the chief foreman for the cleanup and maintenance crews, said in the morning that the spilled coffee got the interiors of the cars cleaner than they had been in years. “I think we are on to something,” he said.  He intends to talk to the commissioner about this before the week is out.

NEW SHOVEL READY PROGRAM

The U. S. government is going to pay to have 35 track inspectors hired to walk the Hamptons Subway system  on Wednesday at 5:30 a.m. after all maintenance is completed to double-check and confirm that everything is in order with the tracks and lightbulbs in the tunnels for the opening of the subway line for the morning rush at 6 a.m. every day. Those wishing to apply must have good night vision, be available for night shifts five days a week between Oct. 15 and May 15 next year, be less than six foot three, have good balance (to avoid the third rail), have work clothes and sneakers, be able to screw and unscrew lightbulbs, be able to handle a shovel and dustpan and have a valid U. S. citizenship passport in order to apply.

Interviews will be held at our Hampton Bays office headquarters beginning at noon Monday, but don’t bother to come until next Thursday because we can only interview 1,000 people a day and all is booked up until then. Interviews will continue on until Nov. 14, when the lucky winners of jobs will be selected by lottery from the stacks of those qualified. The work would begin the next day.

COMMISSIONER BILL ASPINALL’S MESSAGE

Hamptons Subway is looking to market Maxwell House coffee (decaf – Guatemalan Mountain blend) as a new form of metal polish. Anyone interested in helping out in this effort should contact me at my Hampton Bays office any time this week before I go off on my vacation to Monaco. Ask for the Executive Suite and Gladys.