National Guard Invades Hamptons Subway Platforms

SCENE ON THE SUBWAY

Gwyneth Paltrow was seen last Thursday boarding a train at the subway’s most easterly station, – the Montauk Lighthouse. On Long Wharf in Sag Harbor Saturday, Dame Julie Andrews seen taking the escalator up to join a birthday party. It was her birthday. Surprise!

SOLDIERS TAKE OVER

Last Wednesday at 6 a.m., 600 National Guardsmen in full battle gear with AK-47s, bulletproof vests, ammunition belts, helmets, and boots arrived by helicopters, overwhelmed and then tied up our Hamptons Subway police and took up positions on all our subway platforms. They did not disrupt the service, which begins each day at that hour, but they frightened many subway goers.

“I was about to board the subway here in Bridgehampton to get to my job at the new Water Mill bank where I’m one of the tellers, but the way one of these guards stared at me made me too frightened to board the train when it came in,” a young woman who asked not to be identified said. “The doors closed and it went off without me. Then I left and went home. This is really spooky.”

It turned out to all be a big mistake. Wednesday’s orders from Washington about the Texas National Guard got accidentally switched with Wednesday’s orders for Hamptons Subway. One set of orders was supposed to have these National Guardsmen taking positions on the loop train platforms in downtown Chicago to keep the peace in the event of trouble. Meanwhile, a bouquet of flowers, ordered by our beloved President Donald Trump who is a friend of Hamptons Subway Commissioner Bill Aspinall, was supposed to be hand delivered to the home of the commissioner and his wife by a Miss USA beauty contestant in a bikini here in Southampton, welcoming them back from their trip to Rio.

Because of the mix-up, the bouquet got delivered to the transportation commissioner in Chicago and the National Guard people took positions here. Well, it all got straightened out by Thursday afternoon.

Many people got a good laugh about all this, but in Washington, D.C., it was taken very seriously and Trump fired the clerk who switched the orders, saying she had been found to be a pinko commie woke Democrat who had done this deliberately and would be arrested and jailed by the end of the day.

He also praised the soldiers for carrying out their mission flawlessly.

“This shows the speed in which America will be great, and if not again, then more later again,” he told the press.

And at noon, when the flowers arrived at his home in Southampton delivered by Air Force One (with a four-star general bearing an apology), Aspinall declared that the flowers were beautiful, despite their time in the dangerous Chicago transportation office.

NEW SLOGANS

Pretty soon you will be seeing our new advertising slogans in Dan’s Papers and on our stationery. The commissioner had said before he went to Rio that we need to have slogans, and our new Marketing Director Charlie Chan agreed. But Chan also said we should have two slogans so people would be surprised when they saw that it was one and not the other. The two personally chosen by the commissioner on Friday are “Why go to the windy cold beach when you can ride the nice warm subway?” Also, “Being outdoors exposes you to harmful radiation. Why take a risk? Travel below ground in our nice warm radiation free tunnels.” The campaign is targeted at Mr. Sun. It’s a bull’s eye, in our opinion.

RATE INCREASE DEFERRED

The increase from $2.75 to $2.80, which we put into effect last Monday, was rescinded on Wednesday after two days of delays, an unaccustomed accumulation of nickels in the toll booths, and by the protests by former members of Occupy Hamptons, who showed up on all the platforms but refused to take trains anywhere.

Our commissioner has told us not to use the word “rescinded” in describing this, but to say it is “deferred,” that is to say, until another day. We might have thought a 5-cent increase is no big deal, but in this day of declining salaries, layoffs and reduced pensions, apparently it is a big deal. Now we are stuck with all these useless nickels, tens of thousands of them, and because of the warm weather we do not have the personnel on hand to put them into those cardboard rollers that banks put them into. We did try calling several banks, but they said it would cost more than the nickels are worth. As a result of this, Aspinall is declaring next Monday to be “Free Nickel Day,” and any riders who want to come up to our headquarters on Ponquogue Road in Hampton Bays will be able to take whatever they want up to two handfuls.

COMMISSIONER BILL ASPINALL’S MESSAGE

Next Monday I will be in New York City to meet with Mayor Eric Adams and the commissioner of the New York Subway System Robert O’Leary, to look into whether it might be a good idea for Hamptons Subway to buy the New York City Subway System. The subway system is badly run, losing money daily, and the city wants to get it off its hands. I’m told they might sell it to us for $1. That would be great, but even if it’s more, I’ve got the cash on hand.