Hamptons Subway Ends Fare Rate Increase

SCENE ON THE SUBWAY

The person who we thought last week was football star Patrick Mahomes, isn’t. He is the same height, weight and ethnic background as Patrick Mahomes, but he is a professional electrician who works for one of the local Southampton companies and has asked that since he is not famous we not publish his name here. We will defer to the request of this man, Don Jong Hu. Also it was Don Jong Hu who was in that house in Southampton that is for sale for $42 million, but he was just there to install pool lights.

Former late night host David Letterman was seen riding an eastbound subway from Bridgehampton to East Hampton last Thursday morning. He now sports a grand white beard to remain anonymous.

SUBWAY HOLDS GRAND RE-OPENING

Last Friday, Hamptons Subway Commissioner announced an end to the fare increase, which had been in effect for 11 days with only one person paying the increase in fare and riding, a Harold Benson of Southampton, who said that he loved the subway and didn’t want to see it fail and if that meant a single ride would have to cost $24,412 which it did, he would pay it and did pay it that one time in spite of protests of his wife and family.

As you know, the fare increase from $2.75 a ride to that other amount, made necessary when Commissioner Aspinall completed the purchase of the New York Subway System, was not followed up with any stampede by anybody else. The Hamptons Subway remained open, but without riders, for eleven days. And so, to save the subway, our Commissioner Bill Aspinall, did order it brought back to $2.75 on Friday saying he would find some other way to pay for the purchase of the New York City Subway System for just $1, and regretted trying to put that company’s $300 million annual deficit on the backs of the Hamptons Subway riders although he did refuse a request by the Benson family to return the money they spent. The subway system, by the middle of the next day, returned to normal.

GUNS ON THE SUBWAY

Two women got into a fight on the Westhampton Beach platform last Thursday afternoon. The altercation, which involved a toy poodle, started with some pushing and shoving, escalated into hair pulling and punching and ripping of clothes, and then ended suddenly when one of the women pulled a revolver and demanded the other woman hand over the canvas bag containing the poodle, which she did, at which point the first woman ran off. As you know, no dogs are allowed on the subway unless they are small enough to be carried in a canvas bag, so this poodle was legal. In any case, the appearance of the revolver came as something of a shock to the Subway Police who do not carry guns (for fear that the bullets from them might ricochet and hurt bystanders.)

As a result of this altercation, the matter came up at last Wednesday’s board meeting of the subway directors. It was determined that in the last five years seven people have been arrested for carrying pistols on the subway system. All were subsequently convicted and incarcerated and so have paid their debt to society. It was decided by the board that these seven people be contacted and offered jobs – a humanitarian gesture — working for the subway system on the platforms as a kind of federal military unit reporting to President Trump. They will work with the Subway Police who, under Mr. Trump’s orders, will call them in when necessary. The board also decided to approve a “stand your ground” rule for this unit. They will be allowed to kill first and ask questions later.

NEW MARKETING DIRECTOR CELEBRATES ANNIVERSARY

Gladys Ferguson, the new marketing director we hired last week, had her first big event for the subway on Monday with a big anniversary party for herself and her husband at the Westhampton Country Club catering hall in Westhampton Beach. Tom and Gladys and nearly 140 friends and family of the Fergusons came to the anniversary, attesting to the power that Gladys brings to her new job in packing places with upcoming events. A second wedding anniversary will take place this coming Saturday afternoon catered by Pierre’s Restaurant in Bridgehampton, this time at the new roller skating rink in Flanders. The Fergusons were married twice, once in a religious ceremony, and then a second time with the state license ceremony. Three cheers for Gladys and What’s-his-name Ferguson.

COMMISSIONER BILL ASPINALL’S MESSAGE

For those who own stock in Hamptons Subway as I do, this is a happy day indeed. Hamptons Subway, in the stroke of a pen, has leaped into the center of the American Subway System melee. We are among the big boys. Where before our revenue totalled just $7 million a year, now Hamptons Subway revenue totals more than $4 billion a year. It is true that the New York Subway System was a great drag on the city’s finances, as Mayor Adams told me during our negotiations. But as I told him, the trick is simply to rejigger where all the money comes in from and cut down on expenses if at all possible. This, I’m finding out, is a tricky road. But I am spending today with our accountants, as I have the past few days, figuring it all out. Hamptons Subway stock should be soaring in the weeks ahead.