Ask Beatty: I Don't Agree – Never Make a Mistake in Love Again

We all want to fall in love and find our forever soul-mate – someone who will love us passionately and unconditionally. As a little girl growing up in Winnipeg, Canada, my mother would read me fairy tales about how the beautiful princess fell in love with the handsome prince and how they subsequently lived happily-ever-after. Fairy tales taught little girls that love conquers all. I couldn’t get enough of these tales. They made strong imprints on my young brain as they did on millions of other young children – particularly young girls. I remember singing ‘happily-ever-after’ – over and over again – trying to imagine if I too would find my handsome prince.  No mention was ever made of conflict or problems that the “perfect” couple needed to acknowledge, address and resolve.

Finding that special someone and falling in love seemed to be so simple – so natural-so romantic and so easy.  If only it were true.  We learn otherwise as we grow up – that love and relationships are far more complicated than a fairy tale.

THE HEADLINE SAYS IT ALL

The divorce rate for first marriages is almost 50%

67% of second marriages fail.

71-73% of third marriages end in divorce.

Three women are murdered every day by their intimate partner.

25-30% of high school and college coeds have been physically, verbally or sexually abused by their dating partner.

WHAT ARE THE REASONS FOR THIS SORRY STATE OF AFFAIRS?

The mythical belief that love and romance will conquer all adversity

Few good role models growing up to teach us about the complexities of love and relationships.

A false sense of what healthy relationships are due to misleading and unrealistic portrayals in the media, movies, reality television and popular music.

Few if any serious relationship education courses or programs offered in schools, universities. churches or synagogues to set us on a more knowledgeable relationship path.

The reality is that most people spend more time researching cars, computers and cellphones than they do in assessing whether their partner is right or wrong for them BEFORE committing to any serious relationship.  Blinded by the excitement of romance and sexual passion, many people marry someone who they don’t really know.  Think back how many times you thought you knew everything there was to know about your partner.  You believed that the person you were in love with was exactly who he seemed to be.  You were sure that you had found your perfect match and partner for life.  Then suddenly without warning your relationship is in shambles. Your mind is spinning.  What went wrong?  Chances are the signs were there all along.  You just didn’t know what to look for.

THE IMPORTANCE OF LEARNING TO SAY ‘I DON’T AGREE’!

How often do you find yourself in situations in both your personal or professional life when someone says something offensive that hurts you or offends you or that you simply disagree with? What do you do? Do you speak up? Or do you remain silent – fearful that you might offend the person or that the conversation might escalate into a heated argument? Perhaps you are afraid that your new boyfriend or girlfriend might break up with you if you challenge him/her in any way.  Or maybe you learned as a child growing up to ‘not make waves’ or that it’s better to ‘let things go’, since differences of opinion in your family of origin often led to violence. In the short term it might not matter. However, as the relationship evolves – and if you ever hope to have a truly successful partnership- you need to be honest – both with yourself and others. You need to develop both the confidence and communication skills to say what you mean and mean what you say – regardless of the consequences.

In the beginning of a new relationship we all want to put our best self forward.  We want to be seen as agreeable and non confrontational.  However, if we find ourselves saying yes when we mean no and pretend that all is well when it’s really not, rest assured that we are headed for big trouble!

‘Dishonesty’ can start right on your first date, when you are reluctant to tell your new partner for example, that his drinking habits upsets you or that he is driving too fast.  Even something as seemingly trivial as not saying that you don’t mind going to a Chinese restaurant when in fact- you despise Chinese food can be problematic.  We can always find ways to fool ourselves and rationalize that our little ‘white lies’ aren’t a big deal.  However, a ‘peace at all costs’ philosophy guarantees that over time your resentments and anger will only build up.  You might end up with your partner, but what will the emotional and psychological costs be to YOU?

Beatty Cohan, M.S.W., L.C.S.W., A.A.S.E.C.T. is a nationally recognized psychotherapist, sex therapist, author of for Better for Worse Forever:  Discover the Path to Lasting Love, national speaker, national radio and television expert guest and host of the weekly ASK BEATTY SHOW on the Progressive Radio Network.  She has a private practice in New York City and East Hampton.  Beatty would love to hear from you.  You can email her your questions and comments ato BeattyCohan.msw@gmail.com.  For ore information go to BeattyCohan.com