Hamptons Subway Contends with Forged Swipe Cards

SCENE ON THE SUBWAY

Hamptons International Film Festival Chief Creative Officer David Nugent was seen at the East Hampton station getting off a westbound train with silver screen star Scarlett Johansson.

SUBWAY ON TIME 100%

After New York City Mayor Zohran Mamdani issued a report last week saying that the subway system there is on time 87% of the time and that he is pleased about this, we ran our own on-time survey of the Hamptons Subway trains. The results are as follows: Hampton Bays on-time rate 100%, East Quogue on-time rate 100%, Quogue on-time rate 100%, Westhampton Beach on-time rate 100%, Remsenburg on-time rate 100%, Eastport on-time rate 100%, Shinnecock on-time rate 100%, Southampton on-time rate 100%, Water Mill on-time rate 100%, Bridgehampton on-time rate 100%, Sag Harbor on-time rate 100%, East Hampton on-time rate 100%, Amagansett on-time rate 100%, Springs on-time rate 100%, Three Mile Harbor on-time rate 100%, Montauk downtown on-time rate 100%, Montauk Lighthouse on-time rate 100%. Overall, the on-time rate for all stations is 100%. We believe this is tops in the country for 2026.

LITTLE DOG FRIGHTENED

The same little toy poodle that ran off onto the platform from that woman sitting in a subway car in Southampton last week was this week given a little fright trying to do it again. We had explained to the woman, a personage of note who lives on Gin Lane, that dogs were not permitted on the subway, but Foofie, for that is the dog’s name, jumped out of the woman’s canvas bag once again at the same location and headed to get to the platform, but this time she didn’t make it. Foofie was hit on both sides by the closing doors, let out a yelp, jumped back into the subway car and back to the canvas bag the woman was carrying.

Although the closing doors gave Foofie a little squeeze before recoiling open, we were subsequently urged by the woman’s husband, who is a very important person, to do something about the doors, and so we are. We are experimenting in the Montauk Yards with new, more sensitive doors that reopen immediately after giving just the slightest touch to a dog or human. To test them, the men in the yard blindfolded one of the German shepherd watchdogs there so it wouldn’t know it was being tapped by the doors, but the dog just snarled and leaped back when touched and had to be brought under control by its handlers. Two employees were bitten.

IGNORE THE ADS ON THOSE TWO SUBWAY CARS

We’ve had complaints from people who say that the Hamptons is no place for advertisements on the walls for pawn shops, Preparation H, personal injury lawyers and loan consolidation companies, especially when all these services are offered in Toronto, Canada.

As we explained last week, several subway cars from that city are leased by Hamptons Subway to expand our service during the busy summer months. Sorry for what you see up there, but these advertisers pay for those spaces, so they have to be there.

POTATO GIVEAWAY

We had a giveaway last week at all our platforms. The first 100 subway riders on each platform last Thursday morning (we open at 6 a.m.) were, after they came through the turnstiles, each given a gift of a 50-pound burlap sack of potatoes, courtesy of the Eastern Long Island Potato and Broccoli Commission whether they liked it or not.

FORGED SUBWAY SWIPE CARDS

Be on the lookout for the latest in forged subway swipe cards. The cards are very easy to identify. They read “Hamtons Subway” rather than “Hamptons Subway” and they do not work in the turnstiles. If you are given or purchase such a swipe card and are in possession of it, take it immediately to any employee of Hamptons Subway. There is a mandatory jail sentence of four years for possession of a forged subway swipe card.

HAPPY BIRTHDAY

The Goldberg triplets are 29 years old on Saturday. All three work at Hamptons Subway. Jose Goldberg works in the bookkeeping department at our headquarters building in Hampton Bays, brother Vladimir is a flagman between East Hampton and Amagansett and brother Throckmorton is a subway police lieutenant assigned to the anti-hop-the-turnstyles unit. Sometimes, just for fun, the three of them swap jobs with one another and that’s always fun. It’s impossible to tell them apart. But it all seems to work out. There will be a little party for Throckmorton, Vladimir and Jose in the company cafeteria on Monday at 5 p.m. just after everybody gets off work.

Nonalcoholic red wine will be served. Please be prepared to donate triple the usual amount at that time.

COMMISSIONER BILL ASPINALL’S REPORT

There was a report that the subway trains, which maintain a steady speed of 36 miles an hour between stations, were slowing down on Thursday, in the morning to 32 miles an hour and then down to 29 miles an hour in the afternoon. When I had somebody look into this, I found that last Thursday’s gift promotion courtesy of the Long Island Potato and Broccoli Commission, where 50-pound burlap sacks of potatoes were given out to every rider who came through the turnstiles, had gone awry. Many of the riders, ungrateful at receiving this gift, left the sacks in the subway cars when they got to their destinations. If we catch any of the riders who did this, we will arrest them on charges of littering.