Arrested For Stealing Water

Suspicious Package

We are all afraid of a terrorist threat these days, and a suspicious suitcase that was left at the bus stop in East Hampton had one person seeing something and saying something. When police went to go check out the suitcase, they found a note on it that read, “Please do not take, I went for coffee and will be right back.”



Shelter Island

Old Man McGumbus, 102 and former World War II political assassin, asked if he could share a presentation of “extreme importance” at the local town meeting last week. With much of Shelter Island town in attendance, including officials, McGumbus began to do a presentation entitled, “How To Spot Terrorists on Shelter Island.” The presentation, which included photographs, identified people that McGumbus believes to be threats to America, and included images of extremely skinny young men drinking coffee and wearing skinny jeans, beanie hats and tight band t-shirts. “My fellow Shelter Islanders,” McGumbus said, “These hippies are terrorists against our great island society, and they must be stopped! I demand that all locals rise up against them, and rid our island of these know it alls! And we should begin by shutting down the Shelter Island Coffee Shop and Bookstore! I mean, did you see these damn Emmy awards? DID YOU SEE THEM! THIS IS NOT THE AMERICA THAT I KNOW!”

It was at this point Charlie Garcia, owner of the Shelter Island Coffee Shop and Bookstore, stood up in anger, and demanded that McGumbus leave the podium. “YOU DAMN HIPPIE!!!” McGumbus yelled, and he tacked Garcia to the ground and began karate chopping him the neck. “I LEARNED THIS TECHNIQUE IN OSAKA! WHAT HAVE YOU DONE FOR THIS GREAT NATION!” As the karate chops continued. Garcia, a very thin, hipster type of looking man, or terrorist if you agree with McGumbus, started to scream with a very high pitch. McGumbus was then subdued by librarian Denise Pickleswitch.


Loose Horse!

A horse got loose in East Hampton and scared a few people in the surrounding area when they saw it running along Route 27. It was able to be rounded up.


Arrested For Stealing Water

A couple in Hampton Bays was arrested after they were caught living near a commercial building inside of a recreational trailer and stealing the water supply of the building. The owner of the building wanted to press charges because he knew the couple and they knew that he was not allowing them to use his water. We live in scary economic times. I’m not kidding.

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