Police Blotter

Hamptons Police Blotter: Stolen Ring, BBQ Honda

Engagement Ring Stolen
A $1,000 engagement ring was stolen from a Bridgehampton man last week. The ring, as well as $500 in cash was stolen sometime between 10 a.m. and 12:30 p.m. on December 5. Take it as a sign my man, take it as a sign.

Pool Truck Stolen
A pool company’s pick-up truck was stolen in Southampton and has not been recovered. The pick-up truck is estimated to be worth $30,000.

Around midnight a repo man attempted to tow away a car parked in the driveway of a woman’s home in Riverhead. The woman, who had been late on her car payments for several months, came out of her house armed with a barbecue fork, yes, you read that correctly, a barbecue fork, and began to poke and scratch the car that the repo-man was driving. She then tried to stab the repo man with the barbecue fork. In the woman’s defense, the repo man was driving a red Honda Element, which really do taste great when roasted for a long time in the oven and splashed with barbecue sauce. They also go great with some A-1 steak sauce.

Shelter Island
Old Man McGumbus, 104, former World War II potato peeler, and chairman of the board for the Shelter Island Department of Homeland Security, was seen walking down Main Street in full army fatigues armed with an M-16 military rifle. McGumbus was also carrying on his person four grenades and a pistol. The old man was marching through town and walking up to people in the street, asking them for their identification and what they were doing on Shelter Island. As McGumbus described in a press statement released by his publicist, the exercise was to, “Make the great citizens of Shelter Island feel more comfortable and secure, and to identify any potential threats to the island.” At one point, Old Man McGumbus was taunted by Brooklyn resident, Tom Bologna, who told McGumbus that his identification was located in his underpants and that he should go and reach for it. McGumbus immediately took his rifle and pointed it at Bologna and said the words, “It’s God damn hippies like you that are ruining this glorious country of ours.” Unfazed, Bologna told McGumbus to go ahead and shoot, to which McGumbus then was heard saying that he didn’t need a gun and that he would beat Bologna to death with his bare hands. Immediately after the gun was set down, a fist fight broke out. McGumbus, who is trained in Karate, kicked Bologna in the groin and screamed a loud, “HIIIIIYAAA!” that could be heard through the town. Bologna tackled McGumbus to the ground, but was manhandled by the old man who began punching him in the face. With each punch he said, “YOU…” (punch), “DAMN…” (punch) “HIPPIE!!!” (punch). But it was at that point when McGumbus suffered a massive heart attack. He passed out in the street, an ambulance was called. No arrests were made and McGumbus has fully recovered.

Related Articles